A VICTIM IN MY OWN MIND.
Depression was something I grew up with. I really had no idea that I had it until my Senior year in college. It started with my parent’s divorce and ended with me totally losing control over everything in my life. I couldn’t decide what career I wanted, but hated every job I could think of. I couldn’t decide what city or state to live in, so I kept moving, hoping that the next place I lived in would make me happy. Eventually, I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to live or to die. I cried at the drop of a hat, but still found enough rage inside to push the people I loved as far away from me as possible.
I knew that I needed help. I had been to counselors on three other times in my life, but nothing ever seemed to work or last. This time, I have been in counseling for about two months. I was sick and tired of being like this. I wanted a life and I wanted to be happy. Every week, someone would notice a change in me, but I still felt the same. Then one day while watching TV (thinking thoughts at 100 mph), it occurred to me that I was making myself miserable.
I had always known that I was hard on myself. I reamed myself every time something bad happened. “Why can’t I find someone to love me“? “Why isn’t God looking after me?” But for some reason, when I realized that I was doing this to myself, it made me realize that maybe all I would have to do is to stop doing it. All of a sudden, it made sense. ”
To be concluded tomorrow.__________________________________________
Quoted from PERSONAL STORIES in Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. (2011). Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. Pages 120 -121.
” If I tell myself negative thoughts, I feel negative. If I tell myself nothing, I feel nothing. So if I tell myself positive thoughts, eventually I’ll have to feel positive.
Of course, I’m still testing it out, but I feel better and for the first time in 14 years, I have hope. It’s not that hard to find something positive about myself or my life now. So I remind myself of something positive every day and that’s what I’m going to do until I don’t have to remind myself anymore because I’ll know.”