To me the word God is just a placeholder for the concept of Higher Power.
Imagine for a moment if you had to describe the interior of where you live and you could not use any of the noun names for the items in your living space: table, chair, carpet, cabinet, bed, sofa, sink, toilet, tub. You would need to describe each of these items in excruciating detail to convey their meaning. We don’t do that however. If we use the generic term chair that can be used to label any object that you can sit upon whether it is made of wood, stone, metal, plastic. Whether it is coated in fabric or not. No matter the color. You can understand the concept of chair and you can find items in your surroundings that match the concept of chair.
The term God is just like the term chair – it’s just a label. Try not to be so fixed in your judgment that chairs can only be made of wood. God comes in many different forms. The Great Divine is a multifaceted jewel and we only can see one facet of the jewel at a time.
The Tao that can be named is not the eternal Tao. – First chapter of Tao Te Ching, Lao Tszu
God is bigger than any box you try to put Him in.
That is just my limited understanding of God. I know there is a Higher Power and I am not that Higher Power. Whatever understanding I do have is finite and is filtered through my limited human ability to perceive.
We are on the cusp of starting a New Year here in the Eastern time zone. Some parts of the world are already into the new year.
The month of January is named after Janus the Roman god who presided over beginnings. Today is the start of something new. Be hopeful for the new year even if this past year has been challenging. The dark clouds of the past eventually clear and a new day begins.
Looking closely each day is a new beginning – a microscopic reincarnation. We begin anew each day. Start the new day with hope and wonder. Approach the new day with awe and wonder what God1 has in store for you. Let go of your expectations as to what the day will bring. You may be surprised what comes your way but try not to be upset by it.
Yours in recovery, Bill R
Note 1 – I use the term God because that is my understanding of my higher power. Please substitute the term that is useful and comforting for you. I am not trying to force my belief upon you.
Definition
Boundaries are things that put a limit on something else. They clearly define the minimum or maximum. Boundaries define what is inside and what is outside. They delineate what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Boundaries can be many things to many different people. In the context of recovery and self-growth, boundaries are put into place to control the poor behavior of people and to protect one from the other.
Boundaries can be healthy or unhealthy. They can be lovingly firm or manipulative and controlling. Healthy boundaries are lovingly firm and should protect you from the poor behavior of others.
Boundaries are not perfect, you may still get hurt, but hopefully the boundary has protected you from the gravest of harm.
Firm, but flexible
Boundaries should be firm yet flexible. You may have a firm boundary where people should not yell and curse in your presence, but it should be flexible enough to allow for a loud and profane interjection after your spouse hits their thumb with a hammer. It wouldn’t permit a non-stop cursing tirade after hammering the thumb, but an involuntary curse after the hit would be understandable.
Creating and maintaining flexible and healthy boundaries can be very difficult but it is well worth the effort. Below is an example of an unhealthy boundary as it is porous.
Unhealthy boundary
Two types of boundaries
Protective boundaries
Containment boundaries
Protective boundaries are limits that I put into place to protect myself from the poor behavior of others. Protective boundaries can be put in place to prevent persistent yelling, or sarcasm, or any other poor behavior. Protective boundaries typically take the form:
When you do (specific-behavior), I will remind you of my boundary. If you continue to (specific-behavior) I will respond by doing (consequence-behavior).
For example:
When you raise your voice in anger to me I will calmly remind you of my boundary. If you continue to raise your voice in anger to me I will calmly leave the house and go for a walk or drive for between 15 minutes and an hour.
Protective boundary
Protective boundaries are not easy but they are necessary.
Containment boundaries are limits that I put into place to protect others from my poor behavior. You mean that I am not perfect? Containment boundaries typically take the form:
When you do (specific-behavior) I (feel-emotion/think-thought) and I will do (limiting-behavior).
For example:
When you talk on and on I think ‘will he ever shut up’, and I will not interrupt you but rather I will recite the serenity prayer in my head.
Containment boundary
Containment boundaries are also not easy, but they are just as necessary.
I would strongly suggest that for every protective boundary you have in place that you also create the corresponding containment boundary. For instance, if you do not want others to raise their voice in anger to you, then your containment boundary would be that you cannot raise your voice in anger to others.
Five categories of boundaries
Physical
Emotional
Mental
Social
Spiritual
Physical Boundaries
Some examples include:
Not being touched inappropriately;
Having private alone time;
Personal items not being used without permission;
Personal space;
Respecting locked doors to private space;
No extremely loud noises;
Emotional Boundaries
Some examples include:
Having a right sized emotional response;
Not being told we shouldn’t feel a certain way;
Denying your feelings;
Being given time to process emotions;
Having the courage to experience and sense emotions at depth;
No blaming others for your emotions which includes no talk of “you made me feel”;
Taking ownership and responsibility for your own emotions;
Mental Boundaries
Some examples include:
Not being called stupid;
Not being told your thoughts don’t matter;
Telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth;
Listening with an open mind;
Not getting stuck in “stinking thinking” (Ego, Greed, Aversion, Delusion);
Holding onto your opinions and beliefs;
Respecting another persons opinions and beliefs;
If you must disagree with someone, then disagree with their line of thought, but not with them;
Social Boundaries
Some examples include:
Not condoning or participating in gossip;
Not lying or manipulating;
Following through on your commitments;
Being respectful of people’s time;
Having good manners;
Not accepting or condoning toxic behavior. Separating yourself from toxic people;
Speak directly to others, no triangulation. An example of triangulation: A has issue with B, A doesn’t talk to B, A talks to C, and A is hoping that C will talk to B on their behalf;
Following through with your plans if others don’t show up. Allowing others to go through with their plans if you don’t show up;
Spiritual Boundaries
Some examples include:
Not holding blindly on to your beliefs even though evidence points to something different;
Respecting the beliefs of others and not preaching at them they are wrong and your way is right;
Refusing to betray your moral values;
Being open to listen to others sharing their beliefs and looking for the common ground between your belief and theirs;
Letting go of the language of good and bad. These carry too much weight and people can take them on that they are inherently bad. Choose instead the language of helpful versus harmful;
Let go of judging others. If you must still judge someone then focus on their behavior and the words they speak. We can’t truly know another persons thoughts and emotions. That capability is outside of human hands, but rather in the hands of the Divine;
Boundaries – Parenting your inner child
Many people think of setting boundaries as controlling another person’s behavior. On the surface I would agree with that assessment. However, boundaries have a much deeper context.
Lying within all of us is our own wounded inner child. Face it, we are all broken in one way or another. Boundaries are really about parenting that inner wounded child.
Confronting someone who has violated your boundary sounds like a good thing to do. I would say that this is not always true. In the real world if your child was being bullied by another child you may want to swoop in there and punish the bully. The thing is that even bullies have parents. Confrontation is not always the best solution. Perhaps the best solution is to remove your child from the situation. The same holds true as we set boundaries as an adult. Our mature outer adult is defining what is and is not acceptable behavior and having an action plan that “if you do X” then “I will do Y”.
If you continue to speak to me in a loud and sarcastic way then I’m going to excuse myself and take myself (and my wounded inner child) out of harms way.
Confronting bad behavior can backfire. I would posit that perhaps you are trying to teach the inner wounded child of the bully what is and is not acceptable behavior. The thing is the perpetrator’s inner wounded child could be running the show for their outer adult, and that outer adult may have real power that may be able to harm you (physically, emotionally, financially, etc.).
Be a loving parent to your own inner wounded child. Keep them safe. Create an environment that is beneficial for their growth and healing.
Setting clear and mature boundaries will not only parent your own inner wounded child, but it will model good behavior and perhaps influence the inner wounded children of the people in your life. You can’t control other people, but you can influence them. Be the shining light of reason and serenity. Be loving but firm and protect your inner child’s environment.
When I find myself drifting back into the pit (which is where I am at the moment) I need to go back to the beginning of recovery. Steps 1, 2, 3 and repeat. One, two, three like the waltz. Lather, rinse, repeat.
The first 3 steps can be summed up as follows:
I can’t.
He can.
Trust Him.
A great many things, including my depression, are beyond my direct control. I don’t control the outcome – that is in God’s hands. I am responsible for the legwork. I need to do the work of recovery. I want to do the work of recovery. I don’t want to drift closer to the pit because if I don’t stop the backslide it will be that much harder to get out of it.
I admit that I am powerless over depression. When I am on autopilot my life becomes unmanageable.
I believe that a Higher Power exists and they can restore me to sanity. I have to work on my feelings of being unworthy of being saved.
I turn my life over to the care of my Higher Power. This is not one and done. I’m human and I will take my will back. That is only a problem if I don’t surrender once again. To surrender is to win.
Practice the recovery waltz. Become so accustomed to it that it becomes a good habit. You are worthy of love and healing, but you must do the work of the steps to feel that love and healing. I wish you well.
The topic of victim hood has come up several times in different meetings I’ve attended. There is some toxic self help out there that states that no one is a victim. I firmly do not believe that statement.
Do people inflict pain upon one another? Yes they do, sometimes that hurt is intentional, and sometimes it is not intentional. So I believe that victims exist in the world.
The problem for us as depressed people is not that we have been victimized – the problem is when we identify as being a victim. A better question to ask is:
Have I been victimized?(notice past tense here)
It’s when we make being a victim as our main identity that it becomes a problem.
I choose NOT to say “I suffer from depression” because then I identify with suffering from depression. I’m not denying that I’m often visited by the symptoms of depression. What I choose to do is instead focus on healing and recovery. “I am recovering from depression” is a much better and healthier statement for me. It points me in the direction of healing and hope.
Focus on hope and healing as that is the way out of depression.
Two more speaker recordings are available on the website. Come listen to Ginny and Mark tell their stories. Visit the page DA Speaker Meeting Recordings to listen to the audio recordings.
At a recent meeting we were reading from the Depressed Anonymous literature and the topic of being addicted to sadness came up. There were several people in the meeting who bristled at the idea of sadness being an addiction. Is depression really an addiction to sadness?
Instead of answering that question directly I think it would be helpful to list some common characteristics of any addiction.
It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism for life’s ills.
It worked for a while but now it no longer works.
It has made your life unmanageable.
It is a disease that tells you that you don’t have a disease.
You lie about how often you do this drug/behavior.
You think about it most, if not all, of the time.
You have continuously done this drug/behavior even though it has done great harm to you and loved ones.
It may have caused you to be fired from a job.
It may have caused you to be admitted to a hospital/mental institution.
It may have caused you to be arrested.
It may have caused financial harm in your life.
Any addiction, whether it is alcohol, drugs, gambling, depression doesn’t have to meet all of these characteristics. Like the Jeff Foxworthy “You might be a redneck if…” jokes you might be addicted to sadness if say 5 or more of those characteristics are true.
Something doesn’t need to exactly match the medical definition of chemical dependence or physical dependence to be described as an addiction. Let go of your current belief on what is and is not an addiction. Look at the characteristics above and rate your depression against them. The magic number may not be 5. It could be 4 or 6 or whatever makes sense to you. Try it on for size. You may be able to let go of your skepticism.
Depression is a complicated disease that has many potential causes. Depression is also not a static disease – its intensity can change over time. The support that you seek out will differ depending on the intensity of the depression.
A metaphor that I have for depression is a rainstorm. Sometimes it is a light rain darkening your day, other times it can be a raging thunderstorm with lightning crashing down and torrential rain.
When the storm is merely a forecast you have ample time to avoid the storm. Eating well, exercise and occasional talk therapy can be enough for you to avoid the storm. Support via Depressed Anonymous is there for you but the storm is so far away you may not feel the need to pursue recovery.
When the storm is on the horizon – you can see it – your intensity of managing the disease will need to step up as well. Depressed Anonymous can help at this level as well. You are far more likely to seek help at this point.
Imagine you are on the open plains and you can see that the storm is a few miles away and headed toward you – Depressed Anonymous can help here as well. Another resource that may help you at this level is something called a warmline – it is not equipped to handle an intense storm like a hotline but it can definitely help you. Each state in the US has warmline organizations that will field calls for those needing support. To get a listing of warmline call centers in the US go to https://warmline.org and find an entry for your state. I’m sure that many other countries have such warmline organizations I’m just not personally aware of what is available in the many nations of the world. Warmline organizations typically can act as an information clearinghouse where you can can information about other support organizations that can support you in your time of need.
If you are on the outer edges of a storm with light rain organizations like Depressed Anonymous and warmline call centers can help with guiding you out of the outer edges of the storm.
If you are in the center of the storm with lightning crashing around you and torrential rain coming down DA and warmline call centers are not equipped to handle this level of a storm. You are in crisis and need to take drastic measures. Perhaps you need to check yourself into a mental institution and get 24 hour inpatient care. Perhaps you should call a suicide hotline or emergency services number in your area. If you are in imminent risk of taking your life through suicide drastic measures are called for. Take those drastic measures – you are worthy of living and receiving care.
Once you are out of the center of the storm and somewhat stabilized rely again on DA and warmline centers. We are all worthy of healing and loving care. Let us love you until you are able to love yourself. I wish you well wherever you are in the storm of depression.
If you’re looking for new people to listen to please visit Depressed Anonymous Meeting Recordings and hear new recordings from: Hugh, Barb, Pema, Catrina, Janet, and David C. Sorry for the delay in posting them.
I thought that Zoom had lost the recording of Stacy who was our final speaker on 4 March 2023. Zoom didn’t show the recording initially because the chairperson forgot to stop the recording. Apparently on the back end Zoom did some housekeeping – they found the recording and placed it with the other recordings from that day.
Please listen to Stacy’s story – it is amazing and full of hope. You will not be disappointed.
We believe that what we think, what we say, and what we do impact our depression. We believe that depression can be managed by applying the principles of the 12 Steps. All are welcome!
