12 Step Meeting, Acceptance, Belief, Choice, Courage, DA Literature, Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Focus, Helpful, Hope, Step 01, Step 02, Step 03, The Promises

I will try to improve my understanding of my behavior

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LEAVING LONELINESS BEHIND: 12 DECSIONS

“DECISION 7: I WILL TRY TO IMPROVE MY UNDERSTANDING OF MY BEHAVIOR.”

All actions have consequences. and they are usually different from what we expect.

In a situation where we want our cake and eat it too, we always try to have both, but we learn that in trying to get both, we lose both.

If you are to improve your skills in understanding people, in order to rid your loneliness, working out the consequences OF what you and others do, is extremely important.

You really have to develop more flexible ways in dealing with the consequences when the consequence is anger.”

TOMORROW DECISION 8: I WILL BE MORE ACCEPTING OF OTHER PEOPLES ANGER AND NOT TAKE It PERSONALLY.”

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Acceptance, Avoidance, Belief, Believing Is Seeing, DA Literature, Helpful, Step 01, Step 02, Step 03, The 12 Steps, Victim Thinking

Seeing another person’s point of view: How important is it?

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DECISION 6: SEEING ANOTHER’S POINT OF VIEW.HOW IMPORTANT IS IT FOR LEAVING MY LONELINESS BEHIND?

By seeing things from another’s point of view has a lot to do with forming healthy relationships and coming closer to feeling part of another’s world. Dorothy Rowe asks “what does it feel like to be a mother. You are surrounded all day long by people only two feet high.” Any Mother can tell you that it is much different than being with a group of adults. Both of these worlds have their own uniqueness, by their very nature, possessing beauty and a diversity of their own. And one way to know someone, is to see life from their perspective. I call it one’s “lived reality.”

When we tell ourselves that we know what others are thinking, feeling, we are only confirming our own point of view. To find out if we are right, is to ask the question, “How are you?”

If we say that others think about us in a certain way, and if we do not check out their thoughts, we can claim that other people see things about ourselves, which will suit our purpose.

If we tell ourselves that we are boring and dull, we can refuse to talk with anyone. By being ruled by these negative thoughts, we don’t have to make the effort to talk to people. We continue to remain lonely. We build our own prisons, ultimately deepening our own lockdown. We create our own isolation. We cause our own loneliness.

TOMORROW’S DECISION 7: “i WILL TRY TO IMPROVE MY UNDERSTANDING OF MY BEHAVIOR.” LEAVING LONELINESS BEHIND. THE 12 DECISIONS.

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DA Literature, Focus, Helpful, Helpful Thinking, Mutual Aid, Purpose, Service, Supportive Actions, The 12 Steps

Leaving Loneliness Behind (5) – Twelve Decisions

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I make a decision to continue to improve my listening skills and asking questions.
Many times we are so interested in our own story, our own narrative, which continues to be a habit, gradually impairs our ability to listen to the stories of others.
To concentrate on what someone is sharing with us, is basically what listening is all about. A good listener, has learned this skill and is focused on the other. If a person listening, wants to learn more about a person’s story, they ask questions.
Sometimes we look forward to the time a speaker pauses in his comments, so we can talk, preferably, about ourselves. By doing so, we usually don’t have a clue about what they had to say. It’s like we’re saying “I got something to say that is more important, so listen to me.”
Now, if there is something that has been said, that you don’t understand, we ask questions. By doing so, this sends the message that I am listening and I really want to know the meaning of whatever you said.
When we feel sad, it is in sharing this feeling, that can help the other person identify with feeling sad. We all have felt sad. You might even ask a question “like, what is making you feel sad?”
We can see how listening is such a very important skill.

TOMORROW: Decision 6: “I WILL BE SKILLED IN LISTENING TO ANOTHER’S POINT OF VIEW.”

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Choice, DA Literature, Depressed Anonymous, Fellowship, Gratitude, Helpful, Mutual Aid, The 12 Steps

Leaving Loneliness Behind (4) – Dismantling the Barriers

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DECISION 4. “i will be interested in the other person.”

“The best gift that you can give another person is to take an interest in them.”

Taking the other peron seriously, means being concerned about what they are concerned about. Remember little things about your new friend. Ask, if they life to read? Do they prefer Fiction or non-fiction? Do they like to go to movies? What are their hobbies?

You have to listen to another person to really know one. Seem simple enough? Be sure and share some of the things that you like to do with your free time.
People feel good when someone wants to know something about them.”

Reader. Please add something in your own life that you like to talk about with new friends. Do you like to share things which you are proud of in your life?

Tomorrow: (5) Leaving Loneliness Behind. I WILL improve my skills in Listening and asking questions. This is my way to get to know the other person.

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12 Step Meeting, Community building, Helpful Thinking, Hope, Mutual Aid, Positivity, Purpose

Depressed Anonymous Conference on Hope

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Date: Saturday 4 March 2023
Time: 11:00am – 4:00pm Eastern time
Zoom Meeting ID: 851 593 3239
Passcode: hope
Direct  link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/8515933239

The theme for the conference is hope.

There will be 5 time slots. Four of the time slots will be speakers sharing their story of recovery and weaving in the topic of hope. One of the time slots will be a brief meditation session and a brief yoga session.

All sessions will be recorded and shortly after the conference an audio only version will be available on the Depressed Anonymous website.

We hope to see you there.

If you would like to download a file containing the pertinent conference information please click: DAHopeConference.ics and then open the file on your phone or computer to add it to your calendar.

If you happen to use Google Calendar you can add the conference directly to your calendar by clicking:

Here is a link to a flyer if you want to distribute to others: DA Hope Conference

Do you want to hear what happened at the first Depressed Anonymous conference? Recordings can be found here: Depressed Anonymous Conference Recordings

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12 Step Meeting, Acceptance, Avoidance, DA Literature, Depressed Anonymous, Fellowship, Helpful Thinking, Isolation, Love, Mutual Aid, Supportive Actions, The 12 Steps

Leaving Loneliness Behind (3) – Our Twelve decisions

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DECISION #3. “I don’t expect instant results or results commensurate with efforts that I have made.
One of the mistakes which relatives and friends of those who are depressed make:
A. I have given the person my love and attention. Why isn’t he or she better?
B. I have given the person a good amount of my time and attention, why doesn’t he/she show any amount of improvement?
You can make similar mistakes. You can think:
(a) I have given the them my time and attention, so why aren’t they close friends with me now?
(b) And, I have given this person so much attention, why don’t we have a close friendship now?
(c) I have given them so much of my time, why haven’t I stopped from being lonely?
It can take a person quite a long time to get to know each other, so you need to be patient with other people. It will take you both some time to give up the habit of making friends just on appearances only, when risking the telling to others about yourself. This is not an easy thing to do. We don’t want to be rejected.
We must take into account how any society, has its rules and practices about meeting and making friends. Different cultures and nationalities have different ways of making friends, and even though they are different, doesn’t mean that they are better than my own. They are just different.
We need to spend quality time together to get to know each other. We need to listen to their life stories and they listen to our experiences.
Friendship is not a matter of getting persons to be interested in you alone, as it is about forming a relationship with another.It is most important for you to show interest in the other person.”

Tomorrow: (4) I WILL BE INTERESTED IN THE OTHER PERSON.

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Choice, Courage, DA Literature, Depressed Anonymous, Fear, Fellowship, Focus, I'll Do It When I Feel Better, Mutual Aid, Step 01, Step 02, Step 03, Step 11

Leaving Loneliness Behind (2)

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(2.) I WILL TAKE THE RISK AND APPROACH OTHER PEOPLE.
Most times we get along with people and try and help people when we can. We know that many people mean well.
Most people are not so dangerous that you fear them. Crimes happen between people who know each other.

When you decide to risk approaching people, accepting an invitation to do an activity together.DO IT! Taking part in a sport–going on a group hike together –meeting after a church gathering or meeting for a cup of coffee–just risk it and do it. Make a friend. To make a friend you have to be a friend. Or join a self-help group. Depressed Anonymous is such an example of meeting people like yourself.
Risking approaching other people, you will find, is worth it.

Tomorrow:LEAVING LONELINESS BEHIND. BREAKING DOWN BARRIERS.
(3) I DON’T EXPECT INSTANT RESULTS, OR RESULTS COMMENSURATE WITH THE EFFORT THAT I HAVE MADE.

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12 Step Meeting, Act As If, Anxiety, Avoidance, Depressed Anonymous, Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Fear, Isolation, Mutual Aid, Purpose, Step 01, Step 02, Step 03

LEAVING LONELINESS BEHIND – DISMANTLING THE BARRIERS

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Leaving loneliness behind. Dismantling the barriers.

THE TWELVE DECISIONS
What is loneliness?

“Loneliness is the state of being cut off from other people, through fear of other people. Loneliness is felt as a barrier and an emptiness between yourself and other people. You reach out to other people but the barrier intervenes. You take a step toward other people, but there is no place to put your foot. People come towards you and your loneliness shuts them out.”

“It is your loneliness rather than the absence of other people that leads you to be alone.” Dorothy Rowe. Ph.D
The only person that is going to take your loneliness away is you. This is what you do. You make 12 decisions and carry them out.

DECISION 1. BECAUSE I VALUE MYSELF AND ACCEPT MYSELF I WILL END MY LONELINESS.
In our planned conversation about how to leave our loneliness behind, I have noticed my own presence, as at a Depressed Anonymous meeting, whether on ZOOM or Face to face, each of us is provided a way to risk telling others who we are and what we are not. This presence gradually instills in our mind the fact that “Hey, I feel more with others when I can share.” I no longer feel so alone now. After our sharing at a DA meeting, others in the group connect with who we are.This personal sharing tells others how we intend to live out our lives. We share how our lives were before coming to the meeting of others like ourselves.

I believe this personal sharing and risking things about ourselves, will carry out beyond this one hour of meeting, having a gradual and positive effect in our world where we live out our lives. Now, you are able to maximize a good experience (group sharing) being being accepted and loved. This online group or a face to face group, is like a surrogate family. Whereas, when you were born into a family–not of your own choosing, you make a decision to choose this DA group as your family. I make a choice as to who I share my life. By making the decision, you will begin to value yourself as a worthwhile person. At the meeting, people really listen to what I have to say.

It helps to get close to others by helping them tell us who they are. We will hear their stories. And to get closer to others, you can do this by asking questions, asking how they are, what they are interested in, and other areas of their lives. They will begin to let you into their private world. You will let them into your world. A barrier has been dismantled.

This sharing at our DA meetings, a place of feeling safe,I can allow myself to chip away the barriers that once made me feel alone and afraid. THe old thoughts that we once felt we had to defend ourselves against, by erecting walls, built during our childhood days, will no longer be needed.

It is this first decision that we make, to value and accept ourseves and risk sharing my story with others. This will be the start, for breaking down those barriers which kept me from telling others who I am.

Tomorrow, we will Share Decison 2: “I will take the risk of approaching others.” Stay tuned.

Hugh S.

NOTE: Quotations are from Dorothy Rowe’s “Breaking the bonds. Understanding Depression, finding freedom. Fontana, 1991. London, UK.

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Community building, Dep-Anon: Family and friends, Fellowship, Focus, Helpful Thinking, Mutual Aid, Purpose, Serenity, Supportive Actions, The 12 Steps

Two sides of the same coin

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As an active member of the Depressed Anonymous fellowship, I am also an active member of the 12 Step recovery program, Dep-Anon, for families and friends of the depressed.

Since I have a family member who is depressed, and the fact that I was depressed, but still maintain my serenity, by continuing to stay active in the DA fellowship. You might say that I am a “double dipper” being able to be part of two important mutual aid groups. Not only do I know what happens when I am depressed, I also know depression and how it affects a family member, resultant, affecting the whole family.

Now that I have the help of other family members (Dep-Anon) who have a depressed significant other in their life, my focus now is not on the depressed loved one, but the focus is now totally on me. I have become a new person, in that at one time I was harsh and critical of this person, who slept all the time, didn’t work, and was oblivious to the suffering she was causing myself and my family.

I believed, mistakenly, that since I had experienced depression with its overwhelming power, pushing me deeper into isolation from my world and myself, that I was qualified to FIX my family member. Wrong. I tried that route. It was a disaster. My criticism and cajoling her did the opposite of bringing her out of depression. My focus and anger, as it was directed toward her, locked her deeper into the prison of her depression. Ultimately, I discovered that my negsativity and lack of acceptance into the family, did nothing but harm. Surprisingly, now, with my harshness changing to compassion and acceptance of her as a daughter, a fellow humn being, brought down by her illness, is setting us both free. I give credit to my Dep-ANon fellowship for putting me on the right track–work/focus on fixing me.
Hugh

ORIGINS OF DEP-ANON
Dep-Anon had as its inspiration the 12 Step Al-Anon program for families of the alcoholic. The program was focused, not on the alcoholic but on themselves.

We now became focused on our need for recovery, believing that the focus had to be on us — not the depressed family member. I have learned that I can only FIX myself. Being part of the Dep-Anon family group presented me with a focus on my own spiritual and mental health needs. Now, I am participating With other family members, using the recovery tools of Dep-Anon, I was no longer alone, but now had the support of other family members like myself. Together, we have discovered that by focusing on our character defects ( critical of our loved one, anger at their behavior, lack of compassion for someone who is sick) I have found my attitudes changing.

A positive result of being part of the Dep-Anon family group is to learn about the nature of depression and how it affects a person, physically, mentally and spiritually. Our motivation to do anything positive to move us out of the mental and physical “lockdown” of depression is severely handicapped.

“Dep-Anon espouses the four C.s which state our beliefs
about NOT taking responsibility for our loved one’s depression. These four can be a constant reminder of living each day with what we face.
THE FOLLOWING ARE OUR FOUR STATEMENTS OF BELIEF
1) I believe that that i didn’t cause it.
2) I believe that I can’t control it.
3) I believe that I can’t cure it.
4) I believe that all I can do is to cope with it.”

Copyright(c) Dep-Anon: A Twelve Step Recovery Program for Families and Friends of the Depressed. (2021) Hugh S., Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville, KY. Page 13.
This Book can be ordered online from the Depressedanon.com website. PLease go to Visit the Store at Home page.

++++++Join us on ZOOM, every Monday afternoon, at 2PM EDT. Meetings are 1 Hour in length.

MEETING ID: 846 6885 1123
PASSWORD : serenity (Use small caps)

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We believe that what we think, what we say, and what we do impact our depression. We believe that depression can be managed by applying the principles of the 12 Steps. All are welcome!

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