Category Archives: Purpose

Acceptance, Anger, Attachment, Choice, Depressed Anonymous, Despair, Focus, Grief, Hope, Journaling, Mindfulness, Mutual Aid, Purpose, Serenity, The 12 Steps, Victim Thinking

Drinking Depression: One Man’s Story Of Recovery From Alcoholism And Depression

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DRINKING DEPRESSION:  One man’s story of recovery from alcoholism and depression and the parallels between the two. 

By Steve P.

“I have had experiences with alcohol abuse since childhood. I have also struggled since childhood with depression. I quickly learned to rely on both.

I call  this paper “drinking depression” because that’s exactly what I did when I no longer had the alcohol. The following thoughts will express my feelings and the parallels that I have seen between these two addictions.

RELIANCE

There was always an excuse to drink, mostly I was upset with something –I should say angry, for it was anger at the root of my depression that I was trying to suppress in medicating myself with alcohol. Later, I learned to do the same thing with my depression except to be in a depressive state high.  I didn’t even have to leave the house and after awhile I didn’t want to break the cycle of reliance that dependency had begun. Where I was absorbing alcohol into my blood stream  I was now   injecting the depression into my soul and absorbing it like a sponge

FAMILIARITY AND COMFORT

As a recovering alcoholic, I can look back on my drinking and see where I took comfort in being drunk because   eventually   the numbness became the only way I could feel better.  When I was drunk I could retreat into myself and not have to deal with everyday life.

The same escape tool was used in the form of depression. I could ball up like a wooly worm and the outside world was not going to hurt me. However, the more I wallowed in the darkness of my depression the deeper I got stuck  in the mud of despair and hopelessness.

DESPERATION

In order to deal with alcoholism and depression I had to hit rock bottom. I had reached a point in both that I had to call out for help or drown in my addiction.  I called on my Higher Power to help  deliver me from alcohol and he led me to a counselor  to  also help me with my depression. With the guidance of the Holy Spirit I am harnessing my talents now and I am seeing incredible results. My recovery has not been overnight but it is a day by day and step by step recovery process.

THE PHYSICAL

After some time had passed,  the drinking affects the physical body breaking it down. Once I saw a film in which the brain of an alcoholic was compared to the brain of a heroin addict and they were very similar. The depression I  experienced also had physical implications. For over twenty years the way my body would respond from too much emotional stress was to pass out. Instead of blacking out from alcohol I was using depression to numb myself and my brain.

THE SPIRITUAL

When I was drinking I felt alienation and guilt. I felt professing Christians did not drink. The more I drank the more guilty I became. I felt  much more distant from God the more I drank and spiraled further down into a cycle of despair.

In my depression,  I felt God had no time for  me and that I was unworthy of his love. Again,  it was a carousal filled with guilt and anger going round and round so that I couldn’t get off the merry-go-round.

SELF-ESTEEM

When I was drinking,  I was sure that no one cared or could understand what I was going through, so I had many pity parties and I was the guest of honor. Why should I care if no one else cared? This was my way of thinking.

From painful experiences in my childhood I felt  I was of no worth and just taking up space. It has taken therapy and the support of family and friends to finally look in the mirror and begin to like what I saw.

HOPE

I have been sober over two years although I often have the desire to drink I daily call  on my Higher Power to help me and march on one day at a time experiencing serenity and a release from my need to take that first drink.

I have been in therapy for almost a year off and on, although in order to recover one has to stay with it. I have to take my emotional and spiritual healing, like my drinking —one day at a time knowing   I can make it.  It is only by opening the door of the past that   the light of the present can get rid of the darkness  today,  providing  hope for the future.

It is my hope and prayer that this has helped you,  in some small way.  It has helped me by writing about my experiences. May God put walls of protection around you so that the way ahead for you may be crystal clear so that today may be your first step towards recovery.”

God bless.

Steve P.

+This article first appeared in THE ANTIDEPRESSANT TABLET, Spring 1994.

 

 

Purpose, The 12 Steps

I am no longer ashamed to admit my being depressed.

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Here is a thought for your day!

“Treating yourself kindly means looking after yourself and accepting  yourself in all your humanness. You are not the most perfect, wonderful person that has ever graced this earth. Neither are you the worst, most imperfect, wicked person that has ever dared to draw breath.”

CLARIFICATION OF THOUGHT

I am beginning to realize , thanks to my program of recovery and my Higher Power, that I am not as bad as I think I am. I am beginning to see that the more I tend to stick to the present and live my life in today, the more free I am becoming  myself and  with others.

My depressed way of looking  at my world prevented me from ever focusing on the fact that I have a lot of value as a human being and as a member of the human race. I know that I am no longer ashamed to admit my being depressed. I am able to free myself away from the bonds of my sadness. I am now able to walk with my head up and believe and trust that God has a special purpose for me here on this  earth.

To be kind means to treat another the way you would want to be treated. When I am depressed, I treat myself like I am a nothing. I try and find ways to help myself to a gentler way of thinking of myself. ”

MEDITATION

We know that the God of our lives has something good for us today.  This good  will help us grow and get through  this day. We will place our trust in God,  as weak as this trust might be at the moment. Our trust is found in our ever growing love for ourselves.  (Personal comments)

SOURCE:  Copyright(c) Higher Thoughts for down days: 365 daily thoughts and meditations for members of 12 Step fellowship groups. Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. March 23. Page 60.

Copyright(c) Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. (2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

+ For information on online ordering of these books, please click onto VISIT OUR STORE  on website menu (depressedanon.com) and then click onto VISIT THE  DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS  BOOKSTORE and this will lead you to the ordering information. Thank you and have a better day!!!

Affirmations, Fellowship, Purpose

“I have to put my oars in the water if I want to get to my destination.”

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MY AFFIRMATION

“The idea that we have to be responsible  for ourselves and that the ways of the world are neither good nor just is too terrifying for you to contemplate. You cannot tolerate such uncertainty. You do not trust yourself, so how can you take responsibility for yourself?”

CLARIFICATION  OF THOUGHT

I don’t like facing the fact that ultimately I am the one responsible for myself, no one else.It  appears to me that  I have to take care of myself, depend on my Higher Power for direction, and go from there. My Higher Power isn’t going to do it all. I know that I have to do all that I can to restore my life and my feelings. God is the rudder to my boat and I have to put my oars in the water if I am to get moving in the right direction.

I am attempting, day by day, to tolerate the unpredictableness  of my life and gradually learn new ways to cope with uncertainty. While I am depressing myself, I want everything to be perfect and under my control. I know now that I will be happier when I learn how to tolerate a pleasant mood without telling myself that it won’t last.

MEDITATION

We believe that the closer that we come to God, as we understand God, the closer our God draws to us. We believe that whatever we want changed in our life this can be best be accomplished by approaching the God of our Understanding and letting this Power greater  than  ourselves steer us across the stormy sea.

(Your own personal thoughts)

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SOURCE: Copyright (c)  Higher Thoughts for down days: 365 daily thoughts and meditations for members of the 12 step fellowship groups. Depressed Anonymlus Publications. Louisville. Page 57. March 19.

NOTE:   This book and others can help you find the serenity and hope that you are looking for in your life today. You can order on line here at our website. Click onto VISIT THE STORE.

Fellowship, Purpose, Spirituality, The 12 Steps

You see yourself as a healer instead of victim!

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“The Twelve Steps work for those who work the program and who try to live one day at a time. Many times we have been so scared of being  rejected that we have withdrawn deeper into the anguish of our shame and hurt.   We need to air our hurts, our shame, and let others hear our story. There is something healing about hearing ourselves speak to others about our own journey in life and the many emotional potholes that we have fallen into from time to time. We have felt our lives were jinxed. But now we can begin to feel hopeful when other members of the group shake their heads in knowing approval of what we are saying when we tell our story. Most have been where we have been where  and we are now. And the more we make an effort to come to meetings  regularly, the more we will find members of the group telling us how they are seeing a change in the way we act, talk, and look. We will accept the group’s comments as being true and honestly expressed. These people speak our language and they all have been wher e we are now. You gradually begin to see yourself as healer instead of victim the more you work this program and get excited about the possibility of helping others. When you start reaching out  to others in the group, it is at this point that you are carrying the message of hope to others. You have a future with Depressed  Anonymous. ”

SOURCE: Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. (2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. Page 105.

Affirmations, Exercise, Fellowship, Purpose

Sisyphus and his rock.

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There is an ancient Greek myth about a greedy King (Sisyphus)  from Corinth who was sent to Hades (hell) and who spent all eternity pushing a heavy rock up the hill, only to have the rock roll down again.

What do I make of this myth? What meaning can we give to it? What is its message?  And how can I relate it to my own life?

First of all, it has all sorts of meaning for all sorts of situations in my own life. I like to think of the story about Sisyphus and his rock much like my own story and struggles with the “rock” that I keep pushing up the hill. That rock was my struggle with  depression which  always seemed to be a part of my daily existence. Everyday, I just knew that it was time for me to face the rock and start pushing.   In time, the thought of facing another day with my hands on the rock gradually wore me down. I was exhausted.

I couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t think a coherent thought. My nerves were in revolt and my anxiety precluded any sort of activity that might help me escape my rock pushing. I began to feel hopeless and too helpless to walk away from this rock which was  chained to my mind, body and spirit.  I felt I had no choice but to get up and push the rock.

This started me to force myself to walk each day, and without thinking about the rock. It was like I was distracted from thinking about anything while I walked. And so in time, with my daily walks, I found that my rock grew smaller and smaller. And then one day, I reached the top of the hill without my rock. I was free. I felt free. I felt that my time in hell had ended.  (Read: I’ll do it when I feel better. Depressed Anonymous Publications).

Over the years I have found other tools besides that of walking in dealing with my depression. I founded a group, called Depressed Anonymous, where all the various shapes and forms of Sisyphus could gather, share their hopes, and their  victories and discard their rocks. I knew that being all alone in one’s hell, made life even more unbearable. But with a group of persons together, all with their own situations and experiences could get the strength to find their way out of this rock pushing bondage  .

All in all, I have found that when you get together with others like yourself, and you share your stories, things start to change.  You finally feel accepted, and made welcome  as you share your own rock pushing over the years, months, even a lifetime. We all can check our “rocks” at the door as we discuss ways out of our misery,  week after week .

For more information please check out our stories in our manual Depressed Anonymous, which by the way, is written by those of us who have been depressed and are in recovery, attending Depressed Meetings week after week. And if there is no meeting in our community we can also participate in our Home Study Program of Recovery, accompanied by an online sponsor.

Click onto the Depressed Anonymous Publications Bookstore for  learning more about who we are and what we do.  If you choose you can order online from our website at depressedanon.com.

Join us here everyday as we continue sharing our serenity and our hope online at our BLOG: Depressed Anonymous.

 

DA Literature, Fellowship, Journaling, Purpose, The 12 Steps

Change always involves uncertainty.

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“I know that a number of people who are first introduced to the Twelve Step program of recovery wonder what their sadness has to do with  the spiritual program of Twelve Steps that originated for alcoholics. I might be depressed but I am surely not a drunk. Sometimes you will hear a new member of the group say that they never committed any wrongs against anyone, so why  do they need to make amends.  (See Step Ten). For many persons, the loss of a love, the death of a spouse, the end of a lifetime career  can produce a spiraling sense of despair in  in people  whose whole lives have centered on someone else’s feelings rather than their own. Their lives are lived for someone else rather being lived for their own self. When that other person is lost, they feel lost and abandoned. This is precisely  the point– the need to make amends for erroneously thinking that someone else can satisfy all their wants and desires. In making amends, we begin to take responsibility for our thoughts  and feelings, and when these have hurt others we need to do something about them.”

SOURCE: Page 86. Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. (2011)Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

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On page 71 of The Depressed Anonymous Workbook (2001) Depressed Anonymous Publications, we discover further positive insights about living our lives with spontaneity and hope.

Dorothy Rowe in her Award Winning book, Depression: The way out of your prison, tells us the following:

Dangers, perhaps even greater dangers, threaten you if you leave your prison of depression for the ordinary world. There you might have to change, and change always involves uncertainty. The good thing about being depressed is that you can make everyday the same. You can be sure of what is going to happen. You can ward off all those people and events that expect a response from you. Your prison life has a regular routine, and like any long term prisoner,  you grow  accustomed to the jail’s security and predictability. The prison of depression may not be comfortable, but it is at least safe.”  Page 127.

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NOTE TO THE READER

One of the most valuable ways to deal with the pain and isolation of one’s depression experience is to utilize our latest tools in freeing ourselves from the prison of depression.

Our Publisher (DAP) has provided those who wish to learn more about themselves a HOME STUDY KIT where a person can begin  sorting out what makes them tick. The two works, include both the Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition Manual and The Depressed Anonymous Workbook.

These two works have been written and organized by those of us who know what depression feels like and the potential risk to life that it presents.  We’ve been there.

In one of our first Depressed Anonymous  meetings, the group who were members of the Fellowship became  part of writing the commentary on the  12 Steps which resulted in our manual Depressed Anonymous. All these were persons working their way out of depression and who shared their story in the personal story section of  the DA Manual. There are 31 testimonies total.  In other words, our material is one of the very few that are written by persons depressed and who have  freed themselves from the shackles of the depression prison.

If you want to begin your own personal recovery from depression the HOME STUDY KIT combo is what you are looking for.  And possibly you and a friend, a therapist, pastor, family member may like to work with you  as you move on and through the depression experience.

You can put your online  order in today at our literature STORE.  You will also be able to communicate online at our website www.depressedanon.com and FIND HELP with our  BLOG provided by WordPress.com.

 

 

12 Step Meeting, DA Literature, Faith, Fellowship, Higher Power, Journaling, Purpose

First, be true to one’s own self.

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Way 13 of the 15 ways to leave the prison of depression.

“I’d rather be imperfect and happy than always trying to be perfect.”

One of the areas in my life where I strive to excel is in the area of trying to be perfect. Somewhere in our early development as children we got the message that if we were perfect we could be more acceptable to others. I gradually began to believe the more I tried to please others that this would bring me  happiness. Instead, all it brought me was a loss of myself. The loss of self reduced me to a shallow self without direction or meaning. I also had the false belief that the more predictable life is, I felt the less stressed my life would be. But in reality, just the opposite happened. By holding onto life with a tight grip, I needed to make sure that any decision that I made would have to have a predictable outcome.  I could only operate if there were no risks involved in what I planned to do. This kept me gradually pulling away from forming new relationships  and trying new things in my life.

Eventually, my depression became sort of a comfort as it kept me from having to risk an unpredictable life. In other words, this way of living took away all hope. This is what keeps many  of us depressed. We hold onto the mistaken belief that since bad  things happened in the past, bad things will continue to happen to us in the future.

This belief keeps us locked up in the prison of depression. We don’t believe anything will change. What a set up for depression. We have a difficult time realizing that we do have a choice in the way we think, feel and behave. We can live a life free of misery by following a recovery program as outlined in the suggested 12 steps of Depressed Anonymous. By coming often to meetings and getting involved with others not only gives us reason to have  days filled with friends and help, it also provides us with a daily program  step-by-step,  for leaving the prison of depression.”

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SOURCE:   COPYRIGHT(C) BELIEVING  IS SEEING: 15 WAYS TO LEAVE THE PRISON  OF DEPRESSION  (2017) . Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. Pages 63-64.

For more information about literature that is available please VISIT THE STORE here at this site.

Affirmations, Fellowship, Purpose

Put SUNSPOTS in your life today and everyday!

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THE   EIGHT WAY.

Excerpts from BELIEVING IS SEEING: 15 WAYS TO LEAVE THE PRISON OF DEPRESSION.  (See resources)

“Please treat yourself  kindly! Begin to plan pleasurable activities into your life today!”

“I think one of the two things which depressed persons feel  is lacking is in not having mastery over the way they feel and believe. Secondly, they seem to have lost a desire to perform a pleasant activity which might attach their interest. One of the things I recommend for people depressed is to find one  pleasant activity that  they once enjoyed before being immobilized  by their present depression. I think it is a good learning  experience to believe that my depression won’t last forever and that someday I can feel better. In other words, I can still try and do that one thing that was a pleasant activity before I got depressed. We feel that we “have no reason to treat ourselves kindly” because we can’t find anything hopeful or of interest in our lives at the moment. We also feel that because we are so bad we don’t deserve anything good.

Also, as for planning pleasurable activities, you might want to start to  listen for the way that you talk to yourself. Try to speak kind words to  yourself as if you were talking  to a guest in your home. Talk out loud if you like–hear yourself say kind things to yourself. For once, say something  good  about  yourself instead of listening to all those old negative tapes that always made you feel you’d be better off dead. Or else someone else. You get the idea.

When you start listing your strengths as part of your Fourth Step Inventory, list all the good things that you like about yourself. (See the Depressed Anonymous Workbook and the Depressed Anonymous manual, 3rd edition., both books comprise the Home Self Study Program of Recovery).

With every negative statement about  yourself don’t allow yourself another statement about yourself until you are able to replace it with three positive statements.  We call these your SUNSPOTS.  I mean let’s be fair and balance this thing out! I know that you might feel a bit uncomfortable about prizing yourself, byut give it a try anyway.”

Also, plan some activities for the next day and write them  on your calendar. This is especially important for the weekend days   when there are so many hours that we may find hard to fill.  Some of us have made  plans  for each of the hours of the day.  We must force ourselves to get active.  Our life may depend on it!

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NOTE: Another resource for personal reflection is the work titled  I’ll do it when I feel better which presents some basic personal behaviors which can lead us out of our personal prison.

RESOURCES: COPYRIGHT(c)  BELIEVING IS SEEING:   15 WAYS TO LEAVE THE PRISON OF DEPRESSION. Hugh Smith (2017) DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS PUBLICATIONS. LOUISVILLE.  pgs.43, 44,45,46.

COPYRIGHT(C)  I’LL DO IT WHEN I FEEL BETTER. Hugh Smith  (2016) DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS PUBLICATIONS. LOUISVILLE.

HOME SELF STUDY KIT 

COPYRIGHT(c) DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS, 3rd edition.   (2011) DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS PUBLICATIONS. LOUISVILLE.

COPYRIGHT(c) THE DEPRESSED ANONYMOLUS WORKBOOK. (2011) DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS PUBLICATIONS. LOUISVILLE.

NOTE: To order online please   VISIT THE STORE. There you find other excellent resources on the subject of depression and recovery.

Purpose

Leading a life filled with purpose and passion!

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“We accept and believe that however hopeless everything appears now, we will recover from our depression.”  1st of the 15 beliefs. 

“We know that this belief is one of the most powerful things that we can hang onto as we move through the painful experience of depression. I have spent decades of working directly with depressed individuals and their families. Also. by my own  active participation in the 12 step recovery program, I know that those persons who keep coming back  to meeting after meeting, week after week, usually get better.”

In the coming days, I would like to familiarize you, the reader, with 15 ways that we can leave the prison of depression. I know there are so many more, but I chose some of the ways that I believe will be a great help in leaving the prison of depression.

I will be making reference to some of the thoughts from each of these 15 ways describing a pathway to freedom from the bondage of my depression.

When I entered through the door of my 1st  12 step meeting  these 35 years ago, I was scared. I was also certain  that I needed help. I knew that I must act and learn from folks who claimed they had gotten help and were breaking free from the life threatening grip of depression.   I also knew that the more I tried to figure this  all out in my head, I was like the dog chasing its tail.

Now, being free of the deadening and painful feelings of hollowness,  I know and believe how important it is not to isolate myself but to begin to engage with those just like myself and find some answers to a life that was gradually sinking  in the quicksand of despair.

So, the bottom line is to have that faith, that belief that I too am going to get better. Others have made it and so why can’t I as well.

Because I believed that there was an answer, a hope that I would get better, my life gradually turned from despair to hope .

Let’s say that there are no Depressed Anonymous meetings in your community and so how can you get help? Basically this book has been written to let you know that there are ways where you too can leave your depression behind. Granted you will need more than just a belief  to get out of the prison but you must begin to act on these beliefs.  As the old Russian states : Believe but keep you oars in the water and continue to row to shore.

Believing is seeing: 15 ways to leave the prison of depression will help you get to the safety of the shore of hope and healing.

“And once we get involved with our 12 step program of recovery  we discover that our journey of hope is just begining. We are depressed and we know what we have. It is knowing what we have now and doing something about it that is the challenge facing us. We know that in order to survive  and lead a life filled with purpose and passion we have to start today to learn all that we can about depression, its consequences if left untreated, and a program that is solution focused. ”  Believing is seeing. Pages 1-2, 10.

 

Acceptance, Choice, Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Fellowship, Honesty, Hope, Isolation, Purpose, Serenity, The 12 Steps

In telling my story I feel hopeful!

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It would not seem like a big deal to share our experience with depression at a Depressed Anonymous mutual aid support group. But the surprise comes as we share our own personal journey with others.   We discover that no one drops out of their seats as they hear a new member  tell of their suicide attempts, or the   shame and guilt over the  crazy things I have done in  the past.

There is a freedom that accompanies our story telling because we are hearing ourselves share very personal  things about our past. Once we get started sharing our story   we may feel that we  are letting ourselves be vulnerable.

In our Depressed Anonymous Big Book, 3rd edition, we hear the author tell us the following.

“Many times we have been so scared of being rejected once more that we have withdrawn deeper into the anguish of our shame and hurt. We need to air our hurts, our shame, and let others hear our story. There is something healing about hearing ourselves speak to others about our own journey in life and the many emotional  potholes that we have fallen into from time to time. We have felt our lives jinxed.”

And here is the surprise  I referred to earlier: there is no criticism of what we share.  Everyone in the group thanks us for sharing our  story. We now know that most of the fellowship have experienced some of the same behaviors and feelings themselves at one time or the other. In fact,  their stories and mine have much in  common.  They have no difficulty in seeing themselves in my account of a lifetime of depression. I feel  affirmed. I no longer feel alone. I know I am among friends and among those who are walking  the same  path as myself. We are all in this recovery effort together.

In the Depressed Anonymous Workbook we read the following:

“Have you noticed that you are spending less and less time alone and more time with others in the fellowship and the fellowship grows among you and others that you have met in Depressed Anonymous?”  Let’s just say that our thoughts and feelings are now solution focused  – whereas all we could think about before was how awful we feel. We believed that we  are at the end of our rope.    If there is no meeting in your community, you can use our HOME STUDY KIT which will take you through each Step and it’s commentary (Big Book)  while the Depressed Anonymous Workbook  asks  some very valuable  questions for you to answer as you move through  your recovery program.

For more on this HOME STUDY KIT,    please visit our Literature store at this site. You can also order Depressed Anonymous material online.

SOURCES: Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition (2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Depressed  Publications. Louisville.

These  two works form our HOME STUDY KIT and can be ordered as a single unit.