When I first came to Depressed Anonymous, I was so depressed I didn’t even want to get out of bed in the morning.
I hated the world and I didn’t want to deal with it and just going out in public was a major ordeal, even the grocery seemed like an overwhelming task. Ultimately, I lost my job due to my inability to function at work. I prayed that God would let me die.
I felt I carried this tremendous load of emotional pain around in my chest all the time. I wanted to put it down. I wanted to get rid of it but I didn’t know how. I thought God had forsaken me because I violated a sacred code without knowing it and I believed I could never feel the sunlight of the spirit on my face again. That belief forged a bitterness and resentment toward God that grew day by day. I could not believe life would ever be good again or that I could be happy.
I felt emotionally dead. I have had depression for years, although I didn’t know that’s what it was. Being an alcoholic and an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I thought my depression and sadness was normal.
I hit bottom last year in the Spring, after 8 years in recovery, when I started to have “flashbacks” of sexual abuse from childhood. I didn’t understand how God could have allowed this to happen since it happened so long ago. Why did it have to come out now? All my life I had this feeling that I had a deep dark secret: but I couldn’t remember what it was. I lived in constant fear that people would find out my terrible “secret” was out now. Gradually I realized that the big black secret was out now. I had not died. The world had not stopped.
As I began working on the abuse issues in therapy, the piece s of my life began to fit together in a way they never could have before, as I had never dealt with this catastrophic event. In Hugh’s book, Depressed? Here is a way out he talks about how people find their time of depression to be one of the great gifts of God in their life. The first time I read this I thought it was the craziest thing I had ever heard, yet during this time of depression I have learned and I have grown. I have come to understand myself and my God in a way I never could before,
It’s been nearly a year now. Life is starting to come together for me again, one day at a time by the grace of God and the fellowship of this program. From the very first time I walked through the doors of DA, I knew I was in the right place. Having been an active member of AA for so many years, I was already a firm believer in the 12 Steps. I did what you people told me to do, even when I didn’t believe it would help. I attended meetings. I worked the Steps with my sponsor. I used the phone list and talked to people about my pain and my day to day problems. I read Hugh’s book (Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition(2011) DAP. Louisville) and followed the suggestions given in it.
God, through DA, God literally carried me through the darkest time in my life and he did not let me die, despite my best efforts to. I have truly experienced the “miracle of the group.” I promise you that it works. I have heard it said that sometimes God’s greatest miracles are unanswered prayers and I believe it, after all I am one.
Sources: Copyright(c) The Antidepressant Tablet. Volume 4 Number 3 Spring 1993..
Copyright (c) Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition.(2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.