“Some of the major ways people help build the walls of their depression are to consider themselves worthless. They won’t allow themselves to get angry, they can’t forgive themselves or others, and they believe that life is bad and death is worse. And they believe that since bad things happened to them in the past, bad things are bound to happen to them again in the future.”
SOURCE: Depressed Anonymous. 3rd edition. Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. P. 28. (STEP ONE).
A QUESTION FOR YOU THE READER. Which one of the ways to build a wall of depression in your own life would you say best describes yourself? All of them, or just one or two? Or, none of them.
One of the main paths that leads out of the prison of depression is for those of us who are depressed is to begin to believe that a power greater than themselves is what is going to set us free. Bill W., a cofounder of Alcoholics Anonymous reminds us of the reality of that power greater than ourselves.
“I had always believed in a power greater than myself. I had often pondered these things. I was not an atheist. Few people really are, for that means that blind faith in the strange proposition that this universe originated as a cipher and aimlessly rushes nowhere. My intellectual heroes, the chemists, the astronomers, even the evolutionists, suggested vast laws and forces at work..Despite contrary indications, I had little doubt that a mighty purpose and rhythm underlie all. How could there be so much of precise and immutable law, and no intelligence? I simply had to believe in a Spirit of the Universe, who neither knew time nor limitation. But that was as far as I had gone. ” Bill W., AA. p10)
Like any person addicted to a chemical substance, a relationship or a behavior, we know that our will power doesn’t get us free. Our disabling attachments are more forceful than the power of our wills. Our will is essentially like an alcoholic’s first drink or that first dip of ice cream. (I have an attachment to ice cream!)
All of what I have written down so far (Depressed Once-Not Twice) has to do with creating meaning. Humans have as their occupation to constantly create meaning for their lives. Whatever we do has to have meaning for their lives. Whatever we do has to have meaning. I saw that my Dad was gone, my girlfriend was gone, a ministry of 20 years was gone, friends of many years were now gone, and my role as a Christian minister were gone, and most important of all, I had felt that I had lost myself. I lost touch with my real self. I felt alone and worthless. I even had the thought that if someone were seen laughing or having a good time –this made me angry. How dare anyone could smile while I felt so miserable, This feeling made me think that my brain felt as if it were made out of cotton. I couldn’t shove another thought into my head –not even with a jackhammer. It was as if the cells of my brain were filled to the brim.
There was nothing that I could do to shake these horrible and painful feelings. My mind like wise was unable to focus or concentrate on anything. My memory was affected and it was impossible to retain a passage from whatever I happened to be reading. I no longer could keep my mind on anything and to read even a paragraph from a book wore me out.