Definition
Boundaries are things that put a limit on something else. They clearly define the minimum or maximum. Boundaries define what is inside and what is outside. They delineate what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Boundaries can be many things to many different people. In the context of recovery and self-growth, boundaries are put into place to control the poor behavior of people and to protect one from the other.

Boundaries can be healthy or unhealthy. They can be lovingly firm or manipulative and controlling. Healthy boundaries are lovingly firm and should protect you from the poor behavior of others.

Boundaries are not perfect, you may still get hurt, but hopefully the boundary has protected you from the gravest of harm.

Firm, but flexible

Boundaries should be firm yet flexible. You may have a firm boundary where people should not yell and curse in your presence, but it should be flexible enough to allow for a loud and profane interjection after your spouse hits their thumb with a hammer. It wouldn’t permit a non-stop cursing tirade after hammering the thumb, but an involuntary curse after the hit would be understandable.

Creating and maintaining flexible and healthy boundaries can be very difficult but it is well worth the effort. Below is an example of an unhealthy boundary as it is porous.

Two types of boundaries

• Protective boundaries
• Containment boundaries

Protective boundaries are limits that I put into place to protect myself from the poor behavior of others. Protective boundaries can be put in place to prevent persistent yelling, or sarcasm, or any other poor behavior. Protective boundaries typically take the form:

When you do (specific-behavior), I will remind you of my boundary. If you continue to (specific-behavior) I will respond by doing (consequence-behavior).

For example:

When you raise your voice in anger to me I will calmly remind you of my boundary. If you continue to raise your voice in anger to me I will calmly leave the house and go for a walk or drive for between 15 minutes and an hour.

Protective boundaries are not easy but they are necessary.

Containment boundaries are limits that I put into place to protect others from my poor behavior. You mean that I am not perfect? Containment boundaries typically take the form:

When you do (specific-behavior) I (feel-emotion/think-thought) and I will do (limiting-behavior).

For example:

When you talk on and on I think ‘will he ever shut up’, and I will not interrupt you but rather I will recite the serenity prayer in my head.

Containment boundaries are also not easy, but they are just as necessary.
I would strongly suggest that for every protective boundary you have in place that you also create the corresponding containment boundary. For instance, if you do not want others to raise their voice in anger to you, then your containment boundary would be that you cannot raise your voice in anger to others.

Five categories of boundaries

• Physical
• Emotional
• Mental
• Social
• Spiritual

Physical Boundaries
Some examples include:

• Not being touched inappropriately;
• Having private alone time;
• Personal items not being used without permission;
• Personal space;
• Respecting locked doors to private space;
• No extremely loud noises;

Emotional Boundaries
Some examples include:

• Having a right sized emotional response;
• Not being told we shouldn’t feel a certain way;
• Denying your feelings;
• Being given time to process emotions;
• Having the courage to experience and sense emotions at depth;
• No blaming others for your emotions which includes no talk of “you made me feel”;
• Taking ownership and responsibility for your own emotions;

Mental Boundaries
Some examples include:

• Not being called stupid;
• Not being told your thoughts don’t matter;
• Telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth;
• Listening with an open mind;
• Not getting stuck in “stinking thinking” (Ego, Greed, Aversion, Delusion);
• Holding onto your opinions and beliefs;
• Respecting another persons opinions and beliefs;
• If you must disagree with someone, then disagree with their line of thought, but not with them;

Social Boundaries
Some examples include:

• Not condoning or participating in gossip;
• Not lying or manipulating;
• Following through on your commitments;
• Being respectful of people’s time;
• Having good manners;
• Not accepting or condoning toxic behavior. Separating yourself from toxic people;
• Speak directly to others, no triangulation. An example of triangulation: A has issue with B, A doesn’t talk to B, A talks to C, and A is hoping that C will talk to B on their behalf;
• Following through with your plans if others don’t show up. Allowing others to go through with their plans if you don’t show up;

Spiritual Boundaries
Some examples include:

• Not holding blindly on to your beliefs even though evidence points to something different;
• Respecting the beliefs of others and not preaching at them they are wrong and your way is right;
• Refusing to betray your moral values;
• Being open to listen to others sharing their beliefs and looking for the common ground between your belief and theirs;
• Letting go of the language of good and bad. These carry too much weight and people can take them on that they are inherently bad. Choose instead the language of helpful versus harmful;
• Let go of judging others. If you must still judge someone then focus on their behavior and the words they speak. We can’t truly know another persons thoughts and emotions. That capability is outside of human hands, but rather in the hands of the Divine;

Boundaries – Parenting your inner child
Many people think of setting boundaries as controlling another person’s behavior. On the surface I would agree with that assessment. However, boundaries have a much deeper context.
Lying within all of us is our own wounded inner child. Face it, we are all broken in one way or another. Boundaries are really about parenting that inner wounded child.
Confronting someone who has violated your boundary sounds like a good thing to do. I would say that this is not always true. In the real world if your child was being bullied by another child you may want to swoop in there and punish the bully. The thing is that even bullies have parents. Confrontation is not always the best solution. Perhaps the best solution is to remove your child from the situation. The same holds true as we set boundaries as an adult. Our mature outer adult is defining what is and is not acceptable behavior and having an action plan that “if you do X” then “I will do Y”.

If you continue to speak to me in a loud and sarcastic way then I’m going to excuse myself and take myself (and my wounded inner child) out of harms way.

Confronting bad behavior can backfire. I would posit that perhaps you are trying to teach the inner wounded child of the bully what is and is not acceptable behavior. The thing is the perpetrator’s inner wounded child could be running the show for their outer adult, and that outer adult may have real power that may be able to harm you (physically, emotionally, financially, etc.).

Be a loving parent to your own inner wounded child. Keep them safe. Create an environment that is beneficial for their growth and healing.
Setting clear and mature boundaries will not only parent your own inner wounded child, but it will model good behavior and perhaps influence the inner wounded children of the people in your life. You can’t control other people, but you can influence them. Be the shining light of reason and serenity. Be loving but firm and protect your inner child’s environment.