Missing my sad thoughts

Some days I miss my sad thoughts, They are addictive. They fill a space in me and meet a requirement of comfort and familiarity. Humans require and seek a level of comfort and familiarity. The depressed human is no different. Sadly, it’s the sad thoughts that provide the deep level of comfort. When I remove the sadness I have to work to replace that big open field of nothingness left. It feels hard. It feels like work. Pressure and effort. I want to fall back into the sad thinking because, I know very well how to form those sad thoughts and how to feel them. How to make use of them. Strangely, they serve a strong purpose. They validate my depression and vice a versa They have lived inside of me for so long that to fill the void of their space feels so hard. It feels like big shoes to fill. I feel pressed, just trying. My mind is having to accept this new training I am putting it through. It doesn’t want to change. It is not welcoming of these new positive thoughts at first. It is a struggle. My mind wrestles back and forth. “I just want to go home to my bed. No, no! You want to keep grocery shopping! No, no! Please, I need to just lie down. I’m leaving this store!! I am so depressed. No, no! You are going to do your task today, because it will make you feel better.”

“The better part of me wins and I refuse to be held captive, a victim to this negative dark thinking that is killing me. So, I continue to do the grocery shopping with an internal mind struggle going on. The whole day seems to continue like this. The back and forth tug-of-war in my mind! It takes time to truly train the mind to accept the incoming positive thoughts. Affirmations are a needed daily medicine for the saddened mind for sure. It takes consistency. I ask myself how bad do I want to feel better? I continue to retrain my mind every single day. Slowly, I miss my sad thoughts less and less. I feel the need for the positive affirmations more and more. This is the process of healing the depressed mind and thus, my feelings. I look forward to a time where I will not miss my sad thoughts and the struggle between the positive and the negative thoughts will not be such a big part of my day.

-Debra NC

“Slowly I need the positive affirmations more and more.”

COPYRIGHT(C) Debra Sanford. A MEDLEY OF DEPRESSION STORIES 2017. First Edition. Printed in the United States coif America. Pages 20-21.

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