I choose to live in the security ofg my hope rather than in the fear of life’s possible pain.

“Haven’t our sadness and thoughts of unworthiness been our last refuge from having to face ourselves, take charge and accept responsibility for our own lives? For many, just knowing that they might have a choice and be able to choose to feel differently can be a startling revelation. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to stay feeling miserable.”

Hugh Smith. Depressed? Here is a way out! Fount. London. 1991.

CLARIFICATION OF THOUGHT

Life is one that provides me with many areas of choice. I can choose to live with the uncertainty of hope or I can stay mired in the despair of having to always have everything predictable. The latter is the hell of depression.

Years back when I gradually noticed that some unknown negative force was causing to spiral me downward into the abyss of nothingness. I had no idea that I had been setting myself up for what I later surmised to be depression. My surmise was right.  I didn’t know   what was happening to me at the time. My compulsive thinking, constantly circling  obsessively in my head  about how worthless I was, all the while setting  myself up for one of the worst  experiences of my life.  Because of my own guilt and shame feelings, and the continued rumination on  those unpleasant emotions   accompanying  them, took its toll on my body,  mind, and I might add, my spirit. My choosing to figure out in my head what was going on with me, all these chaotic feelings sapped the life energy from me. All I wanted to do was sleep. Then I discovered it was almost impossible to rouse myself to get out of bed, and then  go to work. I didn’t choose to depress myself, that would truly be insane, but I did choose to continue beating myself up, like the desert monk, thinking that this would alleviate punishment for whatever I had done that would infringe  on God’s Holy laws.

Did I choose to be depressed? Well yes, in a certain unconscious way, but in no way am I blaming myself.  It was not until  I took responsibility for the fact that I had to do something to pull myself out of this personal life mess, that began to motivate me to do something. To talk to someone. To get moving. And so I chose to walk everyday, even if my body told me to stay in bed.  And I chose the right way out of my depression by something as simple as a daily walk. And then, forming a group of men and women who  felt free to share their own stories about their depression. It was then the amazing revelation came to me—I was not alone. I took charge and of my life, continued to feel the sadness lift from my shoulders and I was no longer depressed. It took over a year to be free. It took time and group and individual work. I finally realized that I was being given those tools to recognize  the “red flags” which ignites  the deadly spiral of hopelessness and misery.

Now I know not to beat myself up and end up shaming myself. By choosing this new way of thinking and feeling and sharing them with the group or my sponsor I don’t shut myself down and isolate. That is deadly.   I now have hope. I choose to find out how I got where I am and take responsibility for getting myself well. Make your decision today. Choose hope!

Hugh