“Some days I miss my sad thoughts. They are addictive. They fill a space and meet a requirement of comfort and familiarity. And because humans require and seek a level of comfort and familiarity, the depressed human is no different. Sadly (pardon the pun) it’s the sad thoughts that provide the deep level of comfort is the exact reason that these thoughts are so familiar. When I remove the sadness … I have to work to replace that big open field of nothingness left…It feels hard. It feels like work. Pressure and effort…I want to fall back into the sad thinking because I know very well how to form these thoughts and how even to feel them. Strangely, how to make use of then. They serve a strong purpose. They validate my depression and vice versa. They have lived in me for so long that to have to fill the void of their once lived life in space, feels so hard. Uncomfortable. My mind is having to accept this new training which I’m putting it through. It doesn’t want to change. At first, it is not giving a welcome to these new positive thoughts. It is a struggle. My mind, lurching restlessly back and forth, I hear the great struggle.: ” I just want to go home to my bed. No, no, you want to go to the grocery shopping! No, no, please I need to just lay down . No, I’m leaving the store!! I am so depressed. No, no, you are going to do your task today because it makes you feel better.” And then I tell myself, ” I refuse to be held captive and a victim to this negative dark thinking that is killing me.”
The whole day continues on like this. It takes time to truly train the mind to accept these incoming positive thoughts…affirmations are a needed daily medicine for the sad mind, and it takes consistency. I ask myself, how bad do I want to feel better? This is the process of healing for my depressed mind and my feelings. Now, slowly I miss my sad thoughts less and less. Now, I continue to feel the need for positive affirmations.
I want to thank Debra S, a member of the Edenton/Elizabeth City, North Carolina, Depressed Anonymous Group, for sharing an excerpt chapter, Missing my sad thoughts from her new book : Depression rides in the hearse. (This work is available this year).