Missing my sad thoughts

“Some days I miss my sad thoughts. They are addictive.  They fill a space and meet a requirement of comfort and familiarity. And because humans require and seek a level of comfort and familiarity, the depressed human is no different.  Sadly  (pardon the pun) it’s the sad thoughts that  provide the deep level of comfort is the exact reason that these thoughts  are so familiar. When I  remove the sadness … I have to work to replace that big open field of nothingness left…It feels hard. It feels like work. Pressure and effort…I want to fall back into the sad thinking because I know very well how to form these thoughts and how even to feel them.  Strangely, how to make use of then. They serve a strong purpose. They validate my depression and vice versa. They have lived in me for so long that to have to fill the void of their once lived life in space, feels so hard.  Uncomfortable. My mind is having to accept this new training which  I’m  putting it through. It doesn’t want to change. At first, it is not giving a welcome to  these new positive thoughts. It is a struggle. My mind, lurching restlessly back and forth, I hear the great struggle.: ” I just want to go home to my bed. No, no,  you want to go to the grocery shopping! No, no,  please I need to just lay down . No, I’m leaving the store!! I am so depressed. No, no,  you are going to do your task today because it makes  you feel better.”  And then I tell myself, ” I refuse to be held captive and a victim to this negative dark thinking that is killing me.”

The whole day  continues on like this. It takes time to truly train the mind to accept these incoming positive thoughts…affirmations are a needed daily medicine for the sad mind, and it takes consistency. I ask myself, how bad do I want to feel better? This is the process of healing for my depressed mind and  my feelings.   Now, slowly I miss my sad thoughts less and less.  Now, I continue to  feel the need for  positive affirmations.

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I want to thank Debra S, a member of the Edenton/Elizabeth City, North Carolina,   Depressed Anonymous Group,  for sharing  an excerpt  chapter,  Missing my sad thoughts from her new  book : Depression rides in the hearse. (This work is  available this year).

 

 

 

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