Depressed Anonymous has saved my life twice now. When I first came, I had been suicidal for some time and was only looking for the right time and place to make it look like an accident. After a few meetings, the suicidal feeling began to leave. I started to realize that I wasn’t the only one who was having problems coping with the problems of life.

In the spring of that year I suffered from another bout of severe depression and had decided to end it all. I had the date, the approximate time, the place,  and the accident all picked out.  I started withdrawing from the Depressed Anonymous group so that  they would not try to talk me out of it. I stopped taking my medication to make sure that I could not pull myself out of it. Our Higher Power had different ideas. Depressed Anonymous members for some reason kept in contact knowing something was not right. That added a great deal of difficulty in carrying through with my plan because I  could not distance myself from people who cared and showed it.  It was a very hard to know that I would be letting them down.

I managed to make the appointed day and had prepared to leave the house. As I said, the Higher Power had other ideas.  Just before I left, a Depressed Anonymous member called me to just chat about themselves.. That took a little time. Then  all the neighbors, one after another, kept coming over to ask me to help them with little projects. It was very hard to put on a “happy” front, but I knew I had to do it or somebody would figure out that what was about to happen was not an accident.

By the time everything was done, it was dark and too late to leave. If I had left after dark, and had the accident, it would have been obvious it wasn’t one. This was a 400ft bridge  in the middle of the wilderness that no one but emergency vehicles goes across in the dark. The day ended and I was still alive and angry that my goal ha not been accomplished. Now I would have to plan for another day.

Depressed Anonymous members came to my rescue again and through their support and listening. I finally overcame the deep depression. I am getting better each week. I know that if Depressed Anonymous had not been there for me that I would have continued on with my suicidal plans. Sometimes I get very depressed,  but Depressed Anonymous is there and it is the vehicle that the Higher Power is using to help me cope and learn how to “knock down this fire within me.”

–Ron

[My friend Ron  has served for many years as  minister who supports and provides spiritual aid to long distance truck drivers in his roadside truck stop chapel and prays with them and for their needs. I have known Ron for many years and his faithfulness to those in need is truly a gift – a gift of hope! God saved his life that others might continue on the road of life and healing.  Hugh]

See more of these Depressed Anonymous members speak about their own recoveries and how they walked the talk of a new hope  who gradually left behind their anxiety and fears of living.  Many more testimonies can be found in Depressed Anonymous, 3d edition. Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. (Pages 149-150. Please see the Personal stories section in our Depressed Anonymous.)

“But  listen to that  still small voice folks — this is the voice that has been trying to be heard for years, only other negative voices and our own old negative mental  tapes have had more training  in getting their  message across.  Now that small voice, that little part of you that wants to have light and some hope is getting up the courage to ask more for itself. It tries to get stronger as it attempts to outshine those other parts of ourselves;  those parts that have been telling us how trapped we are in our feelings of worthlessness. How often do people say that part of them wants to do this and yet another part of them wants to do that. I believe that is the best expression of the conflict that goes on  in many of us when  we are depressed. Usually the part that is hurting and sad speaks the loudest and so often gets the most attention – but why not?  It’s hurting. When that part of us gets hurt it wants to withdraw –to hide and cry. It’s like a small child who wants to run away from all the anguish and disappointment. But inside  of us when the parts are struggling with each other, it’s like two teams pulling in a tug of war, and that takes energy to keep alive. We get worn out as we continually ruminate about how sad we are feeling and how hopeless everything looks. Most days we just want to go to our room, lie down and sleep. Have you noticed that the more depressed you become the more sleep you need or don’t need? There is that constant jittery feeling that won’t go away and reminds us of the hollowness of our lives.  The life we live is as bitter as ashes in our mouths.

Let’s listen now to the long – denied part of us that speaks out in favor of a change-that voice of hope that says we will feel cheerful one day…”

__

SOURCE: Copyright(c) Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. (2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville, Ky. Page 33. (VISIT THE STORE for more information on this topic)

Yesterday I went bowling with my grandchild. I learned a life  lesson yesterday at the bowling alley. I noticed that the more my bowling became sloppy and  my  bowling without much of an attitude, positive or negative, my scores continued to drop. It was like I was stepping up to the line and going on automatic  pilot.   Not much gets done with that,  either  in one’s life  or even  in bowling.

I stopped and reflected. “Wait” I said to myself.  At that moment I knew that my attitude of mindlessness and negativity was not helping me. I reflected some more and looked at the ten pins down the alley, picked out the center pin, and became mindful of what I was about to do.  I did better from that moment on. I did not get more strikes — but  fewer pins were left standing. Mindfulness.

In my own life I now have become mindful of “red flags”, those situations that  make me mindful and alert me  that my thinking is becoming erratic, negative and fear producing. I am mindful that this type of thinking, in the past, spiraled me down into that pit of darkness and despair.  But now as I use the “tools” of the 12 Steps, I am mindful, on a daily basis  of living a life of mindfulness, one day at a time.  It is in my prayer and meditation times each day, plus the supportive fellowship of my Depressed Anonymous group, that keeps me mindful of my Higher Power and the path that I want to  travel today.

My bowling score is also getting better!

Hugh