Sometimes it comes to our mind that we have prayed a long time and still it seems that we do not have what we ask for. But we should not be too depressed on this account, for I am sure, according to our Lord’s meaning, that either we are waiting for a better occasion, or more grace, or a better gift.
– Julian of Norwich
Category Archives: DA Literature
The Bright Light of Hope
If we have worked the 12 Steps on a daily basis, we now realize the value of surrender and the power that releases in us, just by making a decision in Step Three to “turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand God” is the beginning of reconnection with life and ourselves. It is in the group that the depressed person begins trusting their members where they have admitted that their lives are unmanageable, and that they have made a conscious decision to turn their lives over to God, or the Higher Power. The Twelve Step program helps people to become God conscious. It is in working the program while making no excuses for the spiritual nature of our recovery, we can begin to attribute our new-found sense of hope and peace to the Higher Power. For the active member of Depressed Anonymous there begins to glimmer in the distance, the bright light of hope.
Submitted by Janet M.
Coming to DA I learned how to be free from saddening myself
When I was about twelve I heard the term manic depression for the first time. I did not understand the definition I was given but I knew it had something to do with me. It was then that I began the process of hiding my sadness and negative emotions because the message from those around me was that being sad and afraid was unacceptable. More than once in grade school teachers called me aside to ask about what might be going on in my life that could cause me to isolate on the playground. I did not know what to tell them as I did not understand myself, but it was the beginning of habitual self-abandonment.
Throughout my teens, I had continued periods of isolation and social hyper-activity. I became an introvert but disguised myself as an extrovert. To hide my social anxiety and fear I got involved in school plays, clubs and leadership. I began to split my personality between the boy who made his family and friends laugh and the boy who cloistered himself in his bedroom. Escapism began to be a big part of my thinking and desires. In college I became even more depressed and felt more isolated. I habitually cut class and spent the days dissociating by “philosophizing.” I was clearly searching for personal significance and a connection to a God of my understanding. I felt alone like never before with the increasing awareness of the great disparity between the world I came from and the world I was faced with in college
In graduate school I maintained a high degree of involvement in the department and in the school leadership. I cultivated a robust social life finally being accepted and stimulated socially, culturally and intellectually. For the first time in my life I felt accepted among an understanding group of professors and colleagues that nurtured me just as I was. I learned a great deal in a safe environment, one that I never knew existed, and I excelled intellectually in a manner I never thought possible. I proved to myself that I was worthy and able to perform in academia. Still, I often cried myself to sleep wishing I was dead and not understanding why. I developed PTSD after 9/11 and as the depression became unmanageable I spiraled into near homelessness.
After discovering DA I came to know that I was not alone but that other people had gone through the same things I had or worse. I found a group of people that understood what it is to be depressed and accepted my story without judgment or added stigma. DA relieved me of the stigma of being damaged beyond repair that had plagued me my entire life. Coming to DA made me realize I was not the only one carrying the burden of depression. I was not chronically alone. I was not isolated in the despair of depression.
Through DA and hearing other people’s shares I realized my experiences were a valid source of the disappointment, dismay and depression I had been feeling all my life. I learned also that surviving those experiences could be a source of strength that testified to my perseverance over them. This self-awareness has also given me new found hope that had been missing from my outlook on my life and future. Hearing others’ experiences as well as working the steps has given me hope: the hope that, yes, I can manage depression and live a fuller life. Most importantly learning the concept of saddening myself has done more to liberate me from sadness. I know now that my mind and emotions have been conditioned to recreate my past sadness which was instilled in me by others and society. Now I can recognize the manner in which I sadden myself and take the steps to stop it and reverse it.
January 2024, Luis, NYC
Motivation Follows Action
AFFIRMATION
I promise to do something positive for myself today.
“When you are depressed you are plagued by tiredness. Indeed, there are many people who experience the major portion of their depression in tiredness.”
Copyright(c) Dorothy Rowe. Breaking the Bonds, Fontana. 1981.
I find that if I am depressed and want to start to feel better, or at least get my mind off of depression, I need to go for a walk and keep on moving. In DA we say MOTIVATION FOLLOWS ACTION. WHAT THIS MEANS IS THAT YOU’LL NEVER GET MOTIVATED TIL YOU GET BUSY DOING SOMETHING. This was my feeling a lot of time. It was only when I started walking that I wanted to walk. I didn’t want to do anything to help myself, until I forced myself to do something.
I believe that one’s tiredness when depressed comes from having too many things going through one’s brain at the same time. The strain of being overwhelmed is too much for the human brain and so it and the body begin to show the signs of stress. I also believe that so many unpleasant emotions constantly coming to surface and being felt by the body results in an overload situation in my brain.
Copyright(c) Dorothy Rowe, Breaking the Bounds. Fontana. 1981
QUOTE FROM:
Hug Smith. HIGHER THOUGHTS FOR DOWN DAYS. DAP. LOUISVILLE, KY. 2005 (January 24) Pg.15.
So, I admit that I am depressed? Now what do I do?
“The first thing that I would do, would be to check out our Depressed Anonymous website @depresedanon.com. It is Here that you will be able to participate every day, with people just like yourself, who are seeking hope, and healing. This mutually supportive fellowship will lead you out of the prison of your depression and open your life up to hope, healing, and lasting friendships.
Even though we have a need to be by ourselves, and stay apart from human contact, we also have a need to be in contact with others. For to be in contact with others means that we will have to take some risks to make some choices. But when I am depressed and alone. I don’t have to make as many choices or take any action except to keep isolating myself and staying apart.”
Copyright (C) Depressed Anonymous Publications. (2002) Louisville, KY
My mind has a mind of its own
One of our family’s favorite camping areas, is a small park that provides many positive experiences for those who love the outdoors. In fact, just the name of the park, brings to mind the days of the past. The park’s name, Buffalo Trace, let us know that thousands of buffalo roamed through this area, years ago, following a beaten path, that led to the open plains of the Dakotas. Even today, there is a physical trace of the path that once saw the presence of these large and majestic animals, crossing the continent of the United States.
Just like the physical trace of those many buffalo, moving along their annual travels, our human brain also creates familiar mind paths. All living beings are creatures of habit.
For example, because of a construction detour, I was forced to take a different route home from work. Guess what happens? My mind’s GPS is confused, everything looks different. Our mental map has changed. This new route to get home, has now been turned into a labyrinth, making a familiar way to return home, now becomes a major problem.
I like to think of our mind as the executor of various tasks, mental, emotional and physical, motivating us to accomplish the need at hand. But, if the human mind, continues to bombard us with those negative thoughts telling us how worthless and hopeless we are, over time, it becomes a veritable impossibility to make a change. Our continued negative thinking, has created a pattern of thinking about ourselves, which holds no hope for change. It is like our mind has created a neurological rut, where the mind has no choice but to stay the course. That is, to stay in the rut, to stay depressed, as there is no way out.
For any of us, to even think of changing one’s mind and behavior, can in itself, be frightening. The motivation and energy needed to change is no longer available. To change our hopeless thinking has reduced us to feel like a robot, losing our autonomy and all formerly meaningful relationships. A false belief has been created in our mind that there is no way out. We begin spiraling downward into that abyss of darkness and annihilation.
What we are describing here is a metaphor for all addictions, be that of a mind altering drug or a process addiction where the mind follows a thinking pattern, which fills our mind with painful thoughts, that we are hopeless, unacceptable to ourselves and others. We are initially unaware that this negative and self-bashing addictive form of thinking and feeling, is potentially a life threatening trap. This mind of our own, which now has become our misguided fellow traveler, tells us there is no hope and that we are powerless! We take this as a truth. We now feel like the hole in the doughnut. Empty, alone, and living as a prisoner of one’s own mind.
So, our mind does have a mind of its own, and when it veers off the path of sanity, of honesty and a willingness to want to change, we discover sadly that we have been led to a place where thriving is not a personal option. The good news for us is that my mind can choose a road that provides freedom and restoration. In time, and with help, I have come to the absolute truth, that our minds do have a mind of their own. I am grateful that I have made the right choice–a choice that says, “I Came to believe that a power, (an eternal MIND) greater than ourselves, that could restore us to sanity.”
“Hope is the oxygen for the soul.”
Hugh S., for the fellowship.
Please join with us at our daily program of recovery at: depressdanon.com. You will be happy that you made the right choice!
When you’re depressed all you’re interested in is survival – Dorothy Rowe
THE ORIGINS of MISTRUST
I want to share with you how Dr. Fitzgibbons, a psychiatrist, provides examples how our lack of trust can originate in early childhood. Patterns of isolating behavior and negative thinking, grow strong in a home environment where the child is not loved and nurtured.
Dr. Fitzgibbons, tells us “that the seedbed of mistrust resides in childhood. Many times this lack of trust, of others and ourselves and the world around us, may have begun with the loss of a parent, sister, brother, or a close friend. A serious illness in a parent, sibling or oneself can be the cause of depression. Many times mistrust comes about because of an alcoholic parent so that a child never knows if a drunken loved one is coming home, or in an angry drunken stupor. Anger and rejection by caregivers and/or peers can also have an effect on the ability to trust. Parental divorce or separation can have an effect on a child. Also a cold distant, and unloving parent can have a negative effect on a child. Add to this, a legacy of mistrust and fear in the family will negatively influence a child. Finally, poverty may also be a cause of mistrust”
Brenda, (not her real name ) shares with us some of her own story:
“I have often reflected on how a lack of trust in myself and in others, had a crippling effect on my early childhood development. It was only until I began examining my own childhood, later in life, that I discovered reasons for my mistrust of others. I accomplished these discoveries by getting in touch with those early negative feelings that constantly bombarded my everyday thinking. Most of these early feelings remained unconscious and hidden, until I started to examine my childhood relationships, especially with those significant others who were my caregivers.”
By utilizing the Depressed Anonymous Workbook with its’ 12 STEP COMMENTARY, and questions, directed toward one’s early life experiences, special attention was centered on those caregivers and significant others in one’s family, who, charged with caregiving, to provide the child with the love that a child deserves. For many children, who grew up in a home environment, filled with anger, parental arguing, and violence, made it impossible for a child to defend themselves against such abuse, including mental, sexual, and physical abuse. Some children create fantasy worlds, some with imaginary friends, with whom they can confide in and feel secure in a home environment where chaos reigns.
In our Depressed Anonymous fellowship, we can begin to open up to group members, giving us that opportunity to share and trust, others, who are like ourselves. We happily discovered that we are now no longer alone. Most of us come to our program of recovery, looking to find help, and that welcome relief from the daily crippling burden of depression, which has forced us to isolate from others, believing that we are not good enough.
Earlier, Dr, Fitzgibbons has listed some of the major causes of our childhood depression, and we can resonate with them within our hearts and minds. And in your moments of personal quiet and reflection, celebrate who you are and not who others say you are.
So get a notebook, and begin to write down your answers to those questions in the DA Workbook, which hold meaning for your own personal life and recovery, to which you can relate. Share your DA Workbook with your therapist, sponsor or friends in Depressed Anonymous at the ZOOM meetings online, and/or face to face meetings.
So now, not only will you be a survivor, you will no longer be a victim of those circumstances, which made you believe that you were worthless, unlovable and unacceptable. Progress, not perfection.
By completing my Fourth Step inventory, it became possible to uncover those areas of my early life which made trusting an impossibility. As mentioned earlier, and later into my early adult life, it was my own spiraling downward, into the darkness of depression, the only thing that I could think of was my survival. I was desperate to stop the descent into the darkness and physical pain. I knew that I must get active, preventing my paralyzing desire to take comfort in sleep and shut out the world.
My life is very different now. I continue to take inventory of my life on a daily basis and I finally believe in myself and the Higher Power that has helped me believe that I have a purpose and a meaning for my life. I also believe in a power that is greater than myself and who continually leads me, everyday, on this wonderful journey of hope! Progress and not perfection.
TRUST IS A FEELING OF BEING SAFE IN RELATIONSHIPS AND IN LIFE.
HUGH S., FOR THE FELLOWSHIP
Belief in myself
Depression is something that is so overwhelming. For myself it is like crawling from beneath the earth and facing the light, with fear
that no one would understand how I truly feel.
When in depression, isolation would follow, being my only friend, but actually it was my own worst enemy. I should have been opening up to someone, instead I shut myself off from the world.
Through therapy and a belief in myself and encouragement, facing the days didn’t seem so difficult.
Working on my Twelve Steps of Depressed Anonymous, and reading “Higher Thoughts for Down Days” gave me reassurance that we are not alone.
I now appreciate what I do have when I work through the program.
– Reatha, Canada
Who am I? What do I want? Who is my God?
As we dig deeper into the benefits of the Inventory, we want to get started with asking ourselves some basic questions,
Who am I? What do I want ? Who is my God?
I recommend that you spend some time reflecting upon these questions as we continue our discussion of seeking more information on who we are as a person. This self-disclosure process can provide us with valuable insights as to those areas of our lives which have been responsible for the way we are today. This includes an examination of the way we think, feel and live out our daily lives.
In the early days of my own recovery, I began to put together a workbook where I used the three questions listed above and focused on each of the Twelve Steps. With each step, I listed a number of questions which I felt would help me discover the areas in my life which I had never really examined in any detail. An important issue here is that when I was depressed I didn’t have a clue as to what was happening to me. I felt like my mind and body were spiraling down a slippery slope.
My first reaction to this sudden fear was to create even more fear as my mind swirled around, attempting to stop whatever it was that suddenly and without warning, had me locked in a mental turmoil. As I was oblivious to the fact that I had unconsciously and gradually beat myself up over the previous months , creating guilt and shame, resulting that I became physically and emotionally immobilized. Eventually , I discovered that this was called depression.
Back to our inventory. Only with the help of the newly formed Depressed Anonymous group, a fellowship that was using the Twelve Steps for their recovery. It was when I admitted that I was powerless over my depression, that the real work had its beginning.
If you want to examine your own life, with a personal thumb print of your strengths and weakness, then today is a good day to get started.
As an exercise in recovery, write down your own responses to the three questions listed in the title of today’s blog . Take your time, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Again , we are taking time out to find out who we are…not who people said we were. It will not surprise you that what others said you were in your early life, favorable or not, stays with you into your teen years, adult life.
As we move along in our recovery, answering the questions in the workbook, gradually our examined life will provide you with information that you may never have thought about.
So, next time I meet with you at our blog, I hope you will have made a start in discovering something about yourself. The inventory is about making progress–not being perfect.
The Depressed Anonymous Workbook. (Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville , Ky.
If you have questions please let me know. My email address is: [email protected]
“…letting go of all illusion…”
I am writing this prayer I wrote some five years back now for deeper peace and acceptance, during this challenging time I’m experiencing. Sharing this Hope in case I too can 0ffer Strength for others.
Affectionately, Janet M.
Thank you dear Creator of love and joy in action for the fellowship of your presence. Move me, I pray, for the Stillness of this Love. Why I abide there always gathering in your Strength, Peace and Wellbeing as kindling to feel the fire of your Spirit within. As I walk this path today, should I become disturbed return my heart to you. Purify my motives and direct my attention back into Awareness and Unity with your Spirit, which is the hand of Peace. Help me to offer kindness for the many Seeds of Blessings which feed my growing into Trueness of Being. Help me to understand your Passion in laughter, tears, joy and pain, knowing all of your Provision and how Precious that gift is that lies within the Earth of us all. Thank you for my children, family and friends. Bless ua your light, nurturing our hearts and strengthen our vision and relationships. May a seeming separateness burn up into the flames of letting go of all illusions while Liberating the Soul and setting Freedoms flight to soar and all resistance fall away. Gather us together, this day in Body, Mind and Spirit manifesting your Love. Amen.