Some days I miss my sad thoughts. They are addictive. They fill a space in me and meet a requirement of comfort and familiarity. Humans require and seek a level of comfort and familiarity. The depressed human is no different. Sadly, it’s the sad thoughts that provide the deep level of comfort. When I remove the sadness, I have to work to replace that big open field of nothingness left. It feels hard. It feels like work. Pressure and effort. I want to fall back into the sad thinking because, I know very well how to form those thoughts and how to feel them. How to make use of them, strangely. They serve a strong purpose. They validate my depression and vice a versa. They have lived in me for so long that to have to fill the void of their space feel so hard. It feels like big shoes to fill. I feel pressed, just trying. My mind is having to accept this new training I am putting it through. It doesn’t want to change. It is not welcoming of these new positive thoughts at first. It is a struggle. My mind wrestles back and forth: ‘I just want to go home and go to my bed. No, no! You want to keep grocery shopping…! No, please, I just need to lie down, I’m leaving this group!! I am so depressed. No, no! You are going to do your task today, because, it will make you feel better.’ The better part of me wins and I refuse to be held captive, a victim to this negative dark thinking that is killing me. So, I continue on doing the grocery shopping with an internal mind struggle going on. The whole day seems to continue like this. The back and forth tug of war in my mind! It takes time to truly train the mind to accept the incoming positive thoughts. Affirmations are a needed daily medicine for the saddened mind for sure. It takes consistency. I ask myself how bad do I want to feel better? I continue to retrain my mind every single day. Slowly, I miss my sad thoughts less and less. I feel the need for the positive affirmations more and more. This is the process of healing the depressed mind and thus, my feelings. I look forward to a time where I will not miss my sad thoughts and the struggle between the positive and negative thoughts will not be such a big part of my day.”
Debra NC“Slowly, I found the positive affirmations more and more and more.”
Copyright(c) Debra Sanford. A Medley of Depression Stories. First edition. (2017) PP> 30-31.( Used with permission.)
You may email Debra: [email protected]. She would love hearing from you.
Hi
I understand this short essay. Mine is a little different but similar. Sometimes I miss the mental hospital, the meals being good and prepared for me is what I miss. Now I have to cook for myself all the time and sometimes I get so depressed I can’t even get to the store. Cooking for myself is not the same as having a cook. I never eat a real meal. No sides or something extra I didn’t think of. I guess the only thing to like about the mental hospital was the food, those are the happy times in there the rest is really boring but I need help, sometimes I have to go because I have a mental disorder . I can’t go now, I’m in a different kind of program, and I miss it.
Missing things is a normal human experience. I would encourage you though to remember that you are far more capable of things than you give yourself credit for. Start small. Get in the habit of making food for yourself, even if the food is mostly prepared and you just put it all together. Stretch from there and learn to make simple wholesome recipes. If you feel inspired begin to tackle more complicated meals. You are worth the effort. I hope that you are well.
Bill