All posts by Bill R

Anxiety, Focus, Purpose

Slow is smooth, smooth is fast

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Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.
– Navy Seal credo

If I am in a frantic state, I will make many mistakes. Then I need to do things over again and that takes even more time.

If I do things slowly and follow a process I am far less likely to make mistakes. I need to do things right the first time. The best way that I know to do that is to follow a process. I can have processes about many things: how I shave, how I iron a shirt, how I troubleshoot a problem in my professional IT career, how I approach my recovery from depression and anxiety.

Sometimes in a highly excited anxious state it seems incredibly hard to slow down and calm my mind. I sometimes see my issues with anxiety as a block of wood with really rough edges. I may not be able to have a smooth block of wood immediately. I can however start the process of sanding down the roughest edges of my anxiety. My anxiety may be so intense that I can’t go from frantic to calm and serene. But perhaps it is possible to lessen my anxiety by 1%. I will be in a better place of mind. I want to be serene and calm, but in this moment I may only be able to achieve a 1% reduction.

Progress not perfection.
– 12 step recovery slogan

Another benefit of having a process is that you will develop muscle memory about the process. When in the thick of a fight, or deep in anxiety, it may not be able to think clearly. Wouldn’t it be great to have muscle memory about a process that you can follow?

It is better to sweat in training, than to bleed in war.
– Wisdom sometimes heard in military training

This week at work there were some major problems. Systems critical to the business were not functioning preventing action on revenue generating jobs. There was immense pressure to get those systems back online and functioning again NOW. As I felt the anxiety in me rise I would repeat the mantra several times and my anxiety would lessen a little bit. I had a process and it helped.

Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

Yours in recovery, Bill R

Focus, Helpful Thinking, Purpose

Knowledge from other disciplines helping in recovery from depression

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I can draw inspiration and wisdom from many sources, not just 12 Step recovery literature. What matters is how can I apply that wisdom to my recovery from depression? I have a pretty eclectic set of experiences and I will draw from those experiences in future posts.

When reading non-recovery literature all I need to do is to view that other literature through the lens of the 12 Steps. If I look for wisdom, I will find it. If I look for the good in other people I will find that too. If I look for my Higher Power I will find that too.

Be open to all wisdom. Learn to apply this wisdom to your recovery from depression.

Yours in recovery, Bill R

Choice, Helpful, Honesty, Kindness, Positivity, Purpose

THINK before you speak

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Many of us with depression find it easy to go the way of negativity. Our default behavior and way of speech tends to rub people the wrong way. The answer is to live your life on purpose. THINK before you speak. Ask yourself these five questions before you speak:

  1. Is it True?
  2. Is is Helpful?
  3. Is it Inspirational?
  4. Is it Necessary?
  5. Is it Kind?

If the answer is No to any of the questions you must remain quiet. You are beginning the journey of putting some control over your behavior. Your speech will begin to diminish in negativity.

Just because something is True does not give you permission to share your opinions. It may be true that most people have poor spelling and grammar but it is not necessary to correct other people. If you, as my friend, ask for feedback on your cover letter and resume it is now necessary for me to respond. But my response needs to be helpful, inspirational and kind.

Once you begin to practice this for a while and you become better at controlling your tongue you will have a personal epiphany – a recovery V-8 moment of Holy Crow I need to apply these questions to my thoughts.

Don’t worry and fret over your negativity. Begin to be aware of how negative you truly are. Begin the process of controlling your speech. Then you will have some control over your thoughts.

Thoughts create feelings. Negative thinking creates negative feelings. The difficulty is that if you try to tackle the negative thoughts immediately you may not be successful. Control your behaviors first. Get some level of control over your behaviors. These successes will give you the strength to fight the real fight of combating your negative thoughts.

Good luck.

Yours in recovery, Bill R

Acceptance, Act As If, Choice, Focus, Helpful, Love, Mindfulness, Purpose, Serenity

Using the RAIN model

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A fellow member of DA shared some wisdom with me and I thought I would pass it along. She mentioned that she uses the RAIN model or methodology when dealing with a situation:

  • Recognize
  • Acknowledge
  • Investigate
  • Nurture

Before you react to a situation that arises use the RAIN model.

Recognize – Be aware of the state you are in. State the facts of the situation without judgment.

Acknowledge – Accept that you are indeed in the situation you are in. You don’t need to fight it or complain about it. Acknowledging is not the same as liking or wanting the thing to happen – you’re just accepting that is where you are in the moment.

Investigate – Scan your thoughts, your emotions, and your physical sensations. Are you stuck in any form of stinking thinking? Label the emotion you are experiencing and where it manifests in your body. Scan yourself without judgment and with acceptance.

Nurture – Is there anything that you can do to comfort yourself and/or make you safe? Do you need to attack the thing that is harming you, or is a simple retreat a more effective way to protect yourself? Is there anything that you could think or do that would improve the situation even if only 1%? Do what the nurturing side of yourself is suggesting in the moment.

Practice the RAIN model. It will not feel natural at first, but keep doing it. A sense of calm will begin to envelop you. You will be able to respond maturely and serenely to the situations that come up in your life as opposed to the immature unhealthy reaction which is the normal way you do things.

You are worthy of being calm and loving towards yourself even if you are in the midst of the storm and chaos of those around you. Take the higher road as that is the way to peace and serenity.

Yours in recovery, Bill R

Acceptance, Choice, Focus, Higher Power

Do I have to do the work of Recovery?

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The short answer is NO you do not have to do the work of recovery.

Recovery is about having a choice. A choice to do things differently. I can continue to act, think, and talk in the ways that I have done in the past, but chances are the outcome will be the same.

If I do what I always did, I will get what I always got.
– A slogan heard in a 12 Step recovery meeting

I can choose to stay in stinking thinking. I can choose to continue to look to blame others for my depression and my situation. A far healthier choice though is to accept and take ownership of my part in my depression. There are things, small or large, that I can do, think or say that perpetuate my depression. That is what is meant by saddening yourself.

Taking ownership of your own stuff is hard to do. There is no denying it. But sadly, it is the only way out. I need to accept that my best thinking got me into the depths of my depression. Continuing on with doing it my way is a recipe for disaster.

I have a choice. I choose to do the work of recovery. Not because it is easy, but rather because it is what will bring about healing in my life. There is a saying in Buddhist circles – trying to calm the monkey mind. My mind is fraught with negativity, anger, fear, and self-loathing. I need to walk on a higher path. I need to go the way of recovery. I need to take the pathway where God walks.

The trick is that I don’t have to – I get to choose a better healthier way.

You too can choose to take the higher road. Good luck!

Yours in recovery,
Bill R

Belief, Focus, Forgiveness

Plan ahead for intermittent brain fog

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When I’m in the thick of a depressive episode my brain is foggy – I just can’t think straight. In those moments of darkness I am unable to think of things I could be doing to improve my mood, or to ease my anxiety.

My brain fog eventually passes. The trick is that when I am lucid I have to write out and plan the things I could do when depression strikes. All I have to do when the brain fog strikes is to remember that I have written down options of things to do.

Be gentle with yourself and forgive yourself for any brain fog you experience. It happens to many of us with depression. If you can’t think of things you could be doing fear not. Fire up your web browser and go to your favorite search engine and search for things you could do to treat your depression. You don’t HAVE TO do any of the things on the list – they are options available to you. Having choices is better than having no choices.

I put together a list of over 100 things I could do to help treat my depression. Put together your own list of things you could do. Be thorough when putting together the list. Write down things that may only improve your mood by 1%. One percent better is better than where you are. Remember you don’t HAVE TO do any of the things on the list. You will be making a choice to do the things that you are willing to do in that moment of darkness.

Remember the hurdle you have to cross is not DO I WANT TO DO THIS, but rather AM I WILLING TO DO THIS? The willingness hurdle is lower than the wanting to hurdle. Do the things you are willing to do. Once you begin doing things motivation will come to do more. Remember that motivation follows action.

Yours in recovery,
Bill R

Helpful Thinking, Purpose, The 12 Steps

What to do if the Steps or any important concept seems stale

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Here in Depressed Anonymous we are on a journey of studying and applying the principles of the 12 Steps in our lives. Even the wonderful 12 Steps can begin to feel stale and need to be renewed. Any important concept can become stale and become difficult to connect with. It could be the Steps, the Traditions, prayers you pray to your Higher Power, really anything of importance.

Here is my suggestion. Change the wording slightly so you can interact with the concepts in a new way. In case you didn’t notice the 12 Steps are written in the past tense, and in the third person. When I need to mix things up I will state them in the present tense, and in the first person.

The present tense, first person 12 Steps:

  1. I admit that I am powerless over depression, that my life is unmanageable.
  2. I believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity.
  3. I continually decide to turn my life and will over to the care of that Higher Power.
  4. I make fearless and moral inventories of myself.
  5. I admit to my Higher Power, to myself, and to others the exact nature of my wrongs.
  6. I become willing each day to allow my Higher Power to remove my shortcomings.
  7. I humbly ask my Higher Power each day to remove my defects of character.
  8. I make a list of people that I’ve harmed and I become willing to make amends to them all.
  9. I make direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. I continue to take a personal inventory daily, and when I am wrong I promptly admit it.
  11. I seek each day through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with my Higher Power as I understand my Higher Power. I pray only for the knowledge of my Higher Power’s will for me and the power to carry that out.
  12. Being awakened each day by following these steps I try to carry this message to others, and to practice the principles in all areas of my life.

When I struggle with the concepts of the Traditions I will reword them and try to apply them to myself as an individual.

Stuck in the rut of referring to your Higher Power as “Heavenly Father”? Try on for size “Heavenly Mother” and see if it has any impact on your relationship with your Higher Power.

God is bigger than the box you try to put Him in.
– Slogan heard at a recovery meeting.

Don’t be constrained by the words of the concepts that guide you in your life. The concepts are bigger than words. Alter the words slightly and see what impact it has on you.

Yours in recovery,
Bill R

12 Step Meeting

New DA Speaker Meeting Recording 08 April 2022 – Robin

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We’ve uploaded the talk from Robin that she gave on Friday 08 April 2022.

We have a number of recordings of people sharing their story at a speaker meeting. The link to that page is: https://depressedanon.com/depressed-anonymous-meeting-recordings/

The link can also be browsed to by selecting Tools for Recovery from the horizontal menu, then Depressed Anonymous Meeting Recordings

As we record more speakers the recordings will be posted there as well. The list is in reverse chronological order (newest first).

Anger, Meditation, Mutual Aid, Prayer

Protecting Yourself From Toxic People

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As a depressive I feel that I am more sensitive than other people. Sometimes I need to determine if it is me being over sensitive orif it is the other person toxic and harming me. Toxic people come in many forms: narcissists, sociopaths, predators, etc. Truly deeply toxic people probably should be avoided completely. How can you recognize toxic people in your life? I found a list of characteristics of “human predators” which can be a proxy for any type of toxic person.

The characteristics of a “human predator”:

  • Human predators are mean.
  • Predators are utterly selfish.
  • Predators pretend friendship and love but they feel absolutely nothing for others.
  • Predators are charming and good at flattery, but they don’t mean a single word of it.
  • Predators brag and boast and make up outrageous lies. When challenged, they blame others.
  • Predators don’t feel anxiety or fear.
  • Predators are impulsive and easily bored. They demand thrills and take dangerous risks. They enjoy pushing others into taking dangerous risks, too.
  • Predators are bullies with explosive tempers.
  • Predators enjoy humiliating people.
  • Predators hate it if anyone else has power or is praised. For the predator, life is a competition and they want to win.
  • Predators weaken people with insults and putdowns.
  • Predators are cunning and manipulative.
  • Predators lie easily and think nothing of breaking a promise.
  • Predators are without conscience: they do not feel remorse or guilt.
  • Predators often boast about the harm they’ve done to other people.
  • Predators are parasites. They are lazy and live off others, giving as little as possible in return.
  • Predators are control freaks, stopping others from taking control of anything if they can
  • Predators force petty rules on others – rules that are impossible to follow.
  • Predators boast about tricking other people.
  • Predators boast about breaking the law.

Jon Atack
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1076831346096293&id=283133205466115

If a person has most of these characteristics – avoid them. You are not being over sensitive, the other person is toxic.

If a person has one or a few of these characteristics they may be able to be managed through clear, firm and mature boundaries. However try not to fall into the trap of hate. Maintain a small amount of love for that person – even if that is just that they are a creation of God. The behavior can be hated but try not to hate the person. It’s been my experience when I hate someone I hurt myself.

If the other person doesn’t have any of the above characteristics I need to be open to the idea that I may be over sensitive regarding this. I need to pray and meditate on it. I need to talk to other mature, serene people who can help me discern my part. I need to own and take responsibility for my part of the problem.

Yours in recovery, Bill R

12 Step Meeting

New DA Speaker Meeting Recording 11 March 2022

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We’ve uploaded the talk from Irene that she gave on Friday 11 March 2022.

We have a number of recordings of people sharing their story at a speaker meeting. The link to that page is: https://depressedanon.com/depressed-anonymous-meeting-recordings/

The link can also be browsed to by selecting Tools for Recovery from the horizontal menu, then Depressed Anonymous Meeting Recordings

As we record more speakers the recordings will be posted there as well. The list is in reverse chronological order (newest first).