Category Archives: Purpose

12 Step Meeting, Community building, Fellowship, Honesty, Hope, Positivity, Purpose

Crosstalk: What is it and Why we don’t do it at Meetings

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Come to Depressed Anonymous meetings and you will hear “there is no crosstalk at this meeting but members can comment directly to speakers in the chat.” The online dictionary says: Crosstalk is giving advice, criticizing or making comments about what others have already shared; questioning or interrupting the person speaking or talking while someone is sharing. Another definition which is exceedingly compelling is crosstalk is described as “casual conversation.”

What do we talk about at Depressed Anonymous meetings? There is quite a broad spectrum through the challenges and positivity, deep heartfelt experiences/feelings. We “tell on ourselves” revealing things that we would rather not be known of us yet, that is a power in dissolving shame and fear. Simple listening becomes a blessing of insights and enlightenment, simply by hearing each other. We talk “program talk” and that is not casual conversation. We learn to live one-day-at-a-time. It is not easy though it has been called “simple.” To turn the page on negativity, low energy, despair, hopelessness and choose gratitude, action and positivity is definitely not easy. Yet we are rewarded with the prospect of continuing future growth, freedom from depression. Oh, it may most certainly not be every day and moment but we hear and learn, learning as children do by repeating for our own selves what we hear has worked for our companions. We get a boost, a glimmer: “What a relief, I can get better.” After all, we come here to get better, to learn and practice the tools and develop skills to get better. Then we get to reveal the true person we really are and shed the mistaken identity falsely projected onto the screen of our minds by Depression. And the one price of admission: the desire to stop saddening ourselves. The sharing we hear may be baffling, intense, stressful. There may be heartbreak, trauma. But here we divide our sorrows and when we share our victories and gains, we double our joys. Because we are witnessed and witnessing with open hearts, with loving attention and care. That is the DA Difference, to meet each other with open hearts, loving attention and care. We see each other improving, we see ourselves with time and patience and practice, improving. We hear “I haven’t been depressed since coming to DA…” “I come to meetings, work the steps, I got a sponsor… I am getting better too.”

These are not casual conversations. No No! these are sacred words of truth, hope, light, love spoken then integrated in mind-heart-spirit. Individually and collectively, we improve. Sooner and later, we improve.

This sharing is not casual conversation. We mute ourselves when not speaking and even though we may heartily agree with what is being said, there is no “yes,” “Ah-ha,” “mmm.” There is no murmuring, no background noise because to glimpse and catch Higher Power’s idea for ourselves, well, these are flashes of silent-robed listening, devoted conscious attention.

We are hearing brilliant and commonplace miracles, they may be cloaked in tedium. Spirit is expressing through each one. With that comes great hope, great empathy, great informing of heart-mind-soul. There is IGNITION. Aeronautically speaking, “We have liftoff, Houston.” With each other, our meetings, our Twelve Steps, we spark the will to live as our true selves. We receive Grace, we Surrender, we take the Action and our stories of the miracles of living 24-four-hour days each day arise. Get ready: Hope is stoked, The Lights are On. We shine for ourselves, we shine for each other.

Doreen K, in Boston, MA January 2025

12 Step Meeting, Act As If, Belief, DA Literature, Fellowship, Focus, Higher Power, Meditation, Purpose

The Bright Light of Hope

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If we have worked the 12 Steps on a daily basis, we now realize the value of surrender and the power that releases in us, just by making a decision in Step Three to “turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand God” is the beginning of reconnection with life and ourselves. It is in the group that the depressed person begins trusting their members where they have admitted that their lives are unmanageable, and that they have made a conscious decision to turn their lives over to God, or the Higher Power. The Twelve Step program helps people to become God conscious. It is in working the program while making no excuses for the spiritual nature of our recovery, we can begin to attribute our new-found sense of hope and peace to the Higher Power. For the active member of Depressed Anonymous there begins to glimmer in the distance, the bright light of hope.

Submitted by Janet M.

Focus, Positivity, Purpose

Is Serenity Boring?

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On the phone with a fellow traveler this morning, a question arose.  Is Serenity boring?  Let us consult.  So Oxford Languages says:  serenity is the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.  Boring (same dictionary) means not interesting, tedious.  This called up an immediate yawn in a three-part sigh, my hand over my mouth and feeling tired.  If we go a step further and look up Depression, Oxford says:  a medical condition in which a person feels very sad, anxious and without hope and often has physical symptoms as being unable to sleep.  (Of course, that is without Depressed Anonymous.)

Clearly, none of these is alike or interchangeable.  Serenity is a beckoning warmth, it invites us to “calm”, “untroubled ” waters.  At least every other day, I walk the 1 and 5/8 miles around Jamaica Pond.  This habit I acquired from hearing at a meeting how walking could help my depression.  Each day is a little different but my favorites are the clear-as-glass, not-a-ripple in the water except the trailing stream that follows the single file geese babies sandwiched straight up between the mom and dad.  And the end of day dusk walks with enough light for the trees and shrubs to be two places at once:  on the shore and topping the water in a marvelous mirage.  When it is quite dark dusk, it takes a while for eyes to focus in such pale light.  But then comes the grand surprise:  a crane or heron in silhouette of black, white and grey.  These are the gift of the day and evening:  the Pond giveth…..  Oh, Thank God for nature, it sets me right, it lifts my heart, it takes the toxicity of the world and injects it with its antidote of Sacredness.

Now, about Serenity.  God does grant it but maybe not right on waking.  After an inspirational reading, a little meditation, my regular yoga, a walk around the condo praying for the planet especially the animals and blessing the space, talking or texting with my DA family via phone/What’s App, things are feeling pretty good.  Good enough to start my day both knowing and feeling  I am not alone.  These, for me, hold the seeds of hope and inspiration.

Today I started something new.  Because I want that sacred thread through my day, that conscious contact with the Power greater than myself through my day.  I want extraordinary, I want to have it, to hold it, to live it.  If you had a catechism you may remember the very first question/answer.  “Where is God?  God is everywhere”!!  How I wish that teaching was expounded so we could learn and know that there is nowhere that God is not, to the edges of the Universe and to each and every heart, God is there.  And so is Divine Peace, Joy, Presence, Knowing, Bliss.  These, like God,  are always available.  The Universe (another name of God) holds no grudges, and wants me to receive all of its Good and I can have that Good.  I only need to catch the glimpse (like that heron on the dusky pond) to see it with my very own eyes and to remember God is with me and all is well.

For these ideals, I find a new use for my phone.  Every two hours I sent an alarm and so when the chime rings, there I am in an instant appointment with Higher Power, no need to wait in line.  I talk and listen and offer a prayer.  Since last Summer its been particularly challenging and that reminds me my very best prayers are “Thy will be done, not mine” and “Thank You.”

So this is how I’m wired now, wired with Twelve Steps and single days.  If you are wired like this too, we can answer the question together, is any of this boring?  “We think not.”  And as for Depression, it is what it is.  Against me alone, it can take a shot, although I vow to kick that beast to the curb every time.  But against me + my Higher Power, and me + the Power of the Group, it doesn’t have a chance.

Is Serenity boring?  I/We ….. Think …… Not.

Doreen K., New Year’s Eve, 2023

Honesty, Hope, Purpose, Serenity

Savor Life

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“If I had my life to live over I’d like to make more mistakes next time. I would relax. I would limber up. I would eat more ice cream and
less bans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I would have fewer imaginary ones. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.

I would have perhaps more actual troubles, but I’d have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I’m one of those people who live sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I’d have more of them. In fact, I would try to have nothing else. Just one day after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I’ve been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the Spring and stay that way later in the Fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.”

Editor’s note:
The author, Nadine, wrote this at the age of 85. She died in a Louisville, Kentucky, nursing home, at the age of 88.

Copyright (C) THE ANTIDEPRESSANT TABLET VOLUME 4 NUMBER 3 SPRING 1993

12 Step Meeting, Anger, Anxiety, Belief, Choice, Depressed Anonymous, Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Fellowship, Grief, Higher Power, Journaling, Negativity, Purpose, The 12 Steps

When you’re depressed all you’re interested in is survival – Dorothy Rowe

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THE ORIGINS of MISTRUST

I want to share with you how Dr. Fitzgibbons, a psychiatrist, provides examples how our lack of trust can originate in early childhood. Patterns of isolating behavior and negative thinking, grow strong in a home environment where the child is not loved and nurtured.

Dr. Fitzgibbons, tells us “that the seedbed of mistrust resides in childhood. Many times this lack of trust, of others and ourselves and the world around us, may have begun with the loss of a parent, sister, brother, or a close friend. A serious illness in a parent, sibling or oneself can be the cause of depression. Many times mistrust comes about because of an alcoholic parent so that a child never knows if a drunken loved one is coming home, or in an angry drunken stupor. Anger and rejection by caregivers and/or peers can also have an effect on the ability to trust. Parental divorce or separation can have an effect on a child. Also a cold distant, and unloving parent can have a negative effect on a child. Add to this, a legacy of mistrust and fear in the family will negatively influence a child. Finally, poverty may also be a cause of mistrust”

Brenda, (not her real name ) shares with us some of her own story:

“I have often reflected on how a lack of trust in myself and in others, had a crippling effect on my early childhood development. It was only until I began examining my own childhood, later in life, that I discovered reasons for my mistrust of others. I accomplished these discoveries by getting in touch with those early negative feelings that constantly bombarded my everyday thinking. Most of these early feelings remained unconscious and hidden, until I started to examine my childhood relationships, especially with those significant others who were my caregivers.”

By utilizing the Depressed Anonymous Workbook with its’ 12 STEP COMMENTARY, and questions, directed toward one’s early life experiences, special attention was centered on those caregivers and significant others in one’s family, who, charged with caregiving, to provide the child with the love that a child deserves. For many children, who grew up in a home environment, filled with anger, parental arguing, and violence, made it impossible for a child to defend themselves against such abuse, including mental, sexual, and physical abuse. Some children create fantasy worlds, some with imaginary friends, with whom they can confide in and feel secure in a home environment where chaos reigns.

In our Depressed Anonymous fellowship, we can begin to open up to group members, giving us that opportunity to share and trust, others, who are like ourselves. We happily discovered that we are now no longer alone. Most of us come to our program of recovery, looking to find help, and that welcome relief from the daily crippling burden of depression, which has forced us to isolate from others, believing that we are not good enough.

Earlier, Dr, Fitzgibbons has listed some of the major causes of our childhood depression, and we can resonate with them within our hearts and minds. And in your moments of personal quiet and reflection, celebrate who you are and not who others say you are.

So get a notebook, and begin to write down your answers to those questions in the DA Workbook, which hold meaning for your own personal life and recovery, to which you can relate. Share your DA Workbook with your therapist, sponsor or friends in Depressed Anonymous at the ZOOM meetings online, and/or face to face meetings.

So now, not only will you be a survivor, you will no longer be a victim of those circumstances, which made you believe that you were worthless, unlovable and unacceptable. Progress, not perfection.

By completing my Fourth Step inventory, it became possible to uncover those areas of my early life which made trusting an impossibility. As mentioned earlier, and later into my early adult life, it was my own spiraling downward, into the darkness of depression, the only thing that I could think of was my survival. I was desperate to stop the descent into the darkness and physical pain. I knew that I must get active, preventing my paralyzing desire to take comfort in sleep and shut out the world.

My life is very different now. I continue to take inventory of my life on a daily basis and I finally believe in myself and the Higher Power that has helped me believe that I have a purpose and a meaning for my life. I also believe in a power that is greater than myself and who continually leads me, everyday, on this wonderful journey of hope! Progress and not perfection.

TRUST IS A FEELING OF BEING SAFE IN RELATIONSHIPS AND IN LIFE.

HUGH S., FOR THE FELLOWSHIP

Choice, Courage, Purpose

Boundaries

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Definition
Boundaries are things that put a limit on something else. They clearly define the minimum or maximum. Boundaries define what is inside and what is outside. They delineate what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Boundaries can be many things to many different people. In the context of recovery and self-growth, boundaries are put into place to control the poor behavior of people and to protect one from the other.

Boundaries can be healthy or unhealthy. They can be lovingly firm or manipulative and controlling. Healthy boundaries are lovingly firm and should protect you from the poor behavior of others.

Boundaries are not perfect, you may still get hurt, but hopefully the boundary has protected you from the gravest of harm.

Firm, but flexible

Boundaries should be firm yet flexible. You may have a firm boundary where people should not yell and curse in your presence, but it should be flexible enough to allow for a loud and profane interjection after your spouse hits their thumb with a hammer. It wouldn’t permit a non-stop cursing tirade after hammering the thumb, but an involuntary curse after the hit would be understandable.

Creating and maintaining flexible and healthy boundaries can be very difficult but it is well worth the effort. Below is an example of an unhealthy boundary as it is porous.

Unhealthy boundary

Two types of boundaries

  • Protective boundaries
  • Containment boundaries

Protective boundaries are limits that I put into place to protect myself from the poor behavior of others. Protective boundaries can be put in place to prevent persistent yelling, or sarcasm, or any other poor behavior. Protective boundaries typically take the form:

When you do (specific-behavior), I will remind you of my boundary. If you continue to (specific-behavior) I will respond by doing (consequence-behavior).

For example:

When you raise your voice in anger to me I will calmly remind you of my boundary. If you continue to raise your voice in anger to me I will calmly leave the house and go for a walk or drive for between 15 minutes and an hour.

Protective boundary

Protective boundaries are not easy but they are necessary.

Containment boundaries are limits that I put into place to protect others from my poor behavior. You mean that I am not perfect? Containment boundaries typically take the form:

When you do (specific-behavior) I (feel-emotion/think-thought) and I will do (limiting-behavior).

For example:

When you talk on and on I think ‘will he ever shut up’, and I will not interrupt you but rather I will recite the serenity prayer in my head.

Containment boundary

Containment boundaries are also not easy, but they are just as necessary.
I would strongly suggest that for every protective boundary you have in place that you also create the corresponding containment boundary. For instance, if you do not want others to raise their voice in anger to you, then your containment boundary would be that you cannot raise your voice in anger to others.

Five categories of boundaries

  • Physical
  • Emotional
  • Mental
  • Social
  • Spiritual

Physical Boundaries
Some examples include:

  • Not being touched inappropriately;
  • Having private alone time;
  • Personal items not being used without permission;
  • Personal space;
  • Respecting locked doors to private space;
  • No extremely loud noises;

Emotional Boundaries
Some examples include:

  • Having a right sized emotional response;
  • Not being told we shouldn’t feel a certain way;
  • Denying your feelings;
  • Being given time to process emotions;
  • Having the courage to experience and sense emotions at depth;
  • No blaming others for your emotions which includes no talk of “you made me feel”;
  • Taking ownership and responsibility for your own emotions;

Mental Boundaries
Some examples include:

  • Not being called stupid;
  • Not being told your thoughts don’t matter;
  • Telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth;
  • Listening with an open mind;
  • Not getting stuck in “stinking thinking” (Ego, Greed, Aversion, Delusion);
  • Holding onto your opinions and beliefs;
  • Respecting another persons opinions and beliefs;
  • If you must disagree with someone, then disagree with their line of thought, but not with them;

Social Boundaries
Some examples include:

  • Not condoning or participating in gossip;
  • Not lying or manipulating;
  • Following through on your commitments;
  • Being respectful of people’s time;
  • Having good manners;
  • Not accepting or condoning toxic behavior. Separating yourself from toxic people;
  • Speak directly to others, no triangulation. An example of triangulation: A has issue with B, A doesn’t talk to B, A talks to C, and A is hoping that C will talk to B on their behalf;
  • Following through with your plans if others don’t show up. Allowing others to go through with their plans if you don’t show up;

Spiritual Boundaries
Some examples include:

  • Not holding blindly on to your beliefs even though evidence points to something different;
  • Respecting the beliefs of others and not preaching at them they are wrong and your way is right;
  • Refusing to betray your moral values;
  • Being open to listen to others sharing their beliefs and looking for the common ground between your belief and theirs;
  • Letting go of the language of good and bad. These carry too much weight and people can take them on that they are inherently bad. Choose instead the language of helpful versus harmful;
  • Let go of judging others. If you must still judge someone then focus on their behavior and the words they speak. We can’t truly know another persons thoughts and emotions. That capability is outside of human hands, but rather in the hands of the Divine;

Boundaries – Parenting your inner child
Many people think of setting boundaries as controlling another person’s behavior. On the surface I would agree with that assessment. However, boundaries have a much deeper context.
Lying within all of us is our own wounded inner child. Face it, we are all broken in one way or another. Boundaries are really about parenting that inner wounded child.
Confronting someone who has violated your boundary sounds like a good thing to do. I would say that this is not always true. In the real world if your child was being bullied by another child you may want to swoop in there and punish the bully. The thing is that even bullies have parents. Confrontation is not always the best solution. Perhaps the best solution is to remove your child from the situation. The same holds true as we set boundaries as an adult. Our mature outer adult is defining what is and is not acceptable behavior and having an action plan that “if you do X” then “I will do Y”.

If you continue to speak to me in a loud and sarcastic way then I’m going to excuse myself and take myself (and my wounded inner child) out of harms way.

Confronting bad behavior can backfire. I would posit that perhaps you are trying to teach the inner wounded child of the bully what is and is not acceptable behavior. The thing is the perpetrator’s inner wounded child could be running the show for their outer adult, and that outer adult may have real power that may be able to harm you (physically, emotionally, financially, etc.).

Be a loving parent to your own inner wounded child. Keep them safe. Create an environment that is beneficial for their growth and healing.
Setting clear and mature boundaries will not only parent your own inner wounded child, but it will model good behavior and perhaps influence the inner wounded children of the people in your life. You can’t control other people, but you can influence them. Be the shining light of reason and serenity. Be loving but firm and protect your inner child’s environment.

12 Step Meeting, Acceptance, Courage, Fellowship, Hope, Mutual Aid, Positivity, Purpose, Spirituality, Step 01, Step 02, Step 03

Depression is a process addiction

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Depression is a process addiction, just as alcoholism is a substance addiction.

A process addiction is when a person is addicted to a particular behavior. When we speak about one addiction, like the process addiction of depression, we can include them all. We are learning that the Twelve Step program of recovery can be used to overcome negative thinking and compulsive/addictive behavior for the person who sincerely wants to get emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy.

Our Depressed Anonymous fellowship is based on a hope that no matter how bad we feel, no matter how isolated we are, or how painful we feel, we do recover.

We discover that all our negative thinking, feeling and behaviors will no longer keep us captive, isolated and in the prison of our depression. We gradually begin to change the way we think and feel, learning how to motivate ourselves, using the Spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps, and begin to get active in our own recovery. Motivation follows action!

The main positive effect of making the Steps an integral part of our daily Lives is that people can come together and find the support of their Depressed Anonymous fellowship. They in turn will find the emotional nurturing acceptance of their group and learn the social skills that can help them gradually enter life again; with hope and a heightened spirit. Once people realize that they are not alone and that they hope that they too will feel better. The beauty of a self-help group is that a person feels acceptance from the group. No one is there to tell them to “snap out of it” or that depression is all in your mind.

Finally, we see our closed system of depression, with its negative addictive thinking, feelings of despair, coupled with those behaviors which keep us afraid and anxious, gradually are being dismantled. We discover that we have choices. We don’t have to stay isolated. Our positive thinking begins to show us a way out of a system that has had us bullied into submission. Our minds are now processing hope and possibilities for a new life of freedom.

Hugh S., for the fellowship

Acceptance, Act As If, Choice, Courage, Focus, Hope, Purpose

Am I a victim?

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The topic of victim hood has come up several times in different meetings I’ve attended. There is some toxic self help out there that states that no one is a victim. I firmly do not believe that statement.

Do people inflict pain upon one another? Yes they do, sometimes that hurt is intentional, and sometimes it is not intentional. So I believe that victims exist in the world.

The problem for us as depressed people is not that we have been victimized – the problem is when we identify as being a victim. A better question to ask is:

Have I been victimized? (notice past tense here)

It’s when we make being a victim as our main identity that it becomes a problem.

I choose NOT to say “I suffer from depression” because then I identify with suffering from depression. I’m not denying that I’m often visited by the symptoms of depression. What I choose to do is instead focus on healing and recovery. “I am recovering from depression” is a much better and healthier statement for me. It points me in the direction of healing and hope.

Focus on hope and healing as that is the way out of depression.

Yours in recovery, Bill R

Community building, Courage, Fellowship, Helpful, Purpose, Service, The 12 Steps

Service work is a recovery tool that has its own reward

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“THE MORE THAT YOU HAVE A NEED TO SERVE OTHERS, IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR NEED TO BE SERVED.”

The Depressed Anonymous LOGO has these three words written on it: HOPE, SERVICE, FELLOWSHIP. SERVICE IS OUR MIDDLE NAME.

If you are part of a Twelve Step fellowship group, you learn pretty fast about service work. Service is at the center of our recovery. It is the keystone. And, paradoxically, the more we serve others in the fellowship, the more we give to others, the more I am part of living a life filled with hope. When you attain this need to help others, making it your passion, you discover a growing purpose to serve, gradually unfolding in your life.

Let’s say that you came into our fellowship, feeling the hopelessness and helplessness of depression, having lost all hope. You found a fellowship of caring persons. The members do not tell you to “snap out of it.” The group is there because those before them, welcomed them, and let them know there is help. Each of us who are at the meetings today, are getting better, because others are there, willing to serve, in any capacity, using their strengths, hope and experiences,for the service of others. We are not alone. I am not a newcomer, but I am a member who knows, from personal experience, how service from others in the DA fellowship, changed my life. For them, I am grateful.

Hugh S., for the fellowship

Belief, Choice, Helpful, Hope, Pain, Purpose, Step 03

How to find hope and let it blossom

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“Hope can only exist in a state of uncertainty.
That certainty means total certainty. That certainty means to be without hope.
The prison of depression is built with the bricks of total certainty.

Certainty. Security. No Hope.
To hope means to run the risk of disappointment.
Avoid disappointment. Stay depressed.
To be insecure means not to be in control.
Stay in control. Be depressed.
To be uncertain means to be unsure of the future.
Predict the future with certainty. Stay depressed.

Hope can exist only when there is uncertainty. Absolute certainty means complete hopelessness. If we want to live fully we must have freedom, love and hope. So life must be an uncertain business. This is what makes it worthwhile.”

Copyright(c) Dorothy Rowe. Depression: The way out of your prison. NY. Kegan Paul. 1996.

“Hope is to seek things and have the expectation that what we desire will come true. In the matter of depression, Dr. Rowe warns us that when we predict that we will always bw the way we are, is to predict a life of certainty, but one without hope. In the way that we construct our world we begin to live with some uncertainty and with this uncertainty we are going to little bit by little bit, accept some pain, hurt and disappointment in our life. This is not bad, but it is not always pleasant.

When we are depressed, it is not so important as to how we got depressed, but what is important, is how we see ourselves. Do we believe. like Dorothy Rowe, that we will always see ourselves as bad, worthless, unacceptable to ourselves and to others when we are depressed? If this is the way that we want to look at ourselves, then we are sure to believe that we will never change. We hold these beliefs about ourselves as immutable truths, and ever binding. This is the thing about depression – we believe that it will always be this way – namely, being possessed by this painful hollow feeling and deadly emptiness, which we carry around in our bodies, day after day, year after year.”

Copyright(c) Hugh Smith. How to hope and let it blossom. Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville, KY. Pages 1-2. 2004.